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I write short, strange pieces of science fiction and fantasy—mostly dark, mostly funny, mostly from the point of view of the people who are supposed to lose. Villainpunk, goblin philosophy, dungeon doggerel, Dark Lords who keep paperwork, Dwarves who fail at diplomacy, and the occasional poem that refuses to take the end of the world entirely seriously.

There are more than a thousand of them here. If you want the books, they’re on Amazon. If you just want to read, pick a door below. Or don’t. The archive will still be here when you get back.

Short & Approachable

Low commitment. Good if you’re not sure you want to be here yet.

• Again In Praise Of Hobbit-Weed
• gOblins HaTE yoU
• 10 Even More Badass Last Words
• Pickup Lines For Dwarves
• We Villainpunks
• That Almost Murderous Grandfather Clock
• A Bit Of Goblin Lore
• Some Lesser-Known Hobbit Meals
• The Chaos Beast
• Soylent Green Is Delicious… Honest.
• Side-Gnome
• I Sell Garlic To Vampires
• The Goblincore Mindset
• Some Goblinesque Ways To Live
• On Secret Societies
• Twelve Reasons Not To Spend Your Money On Books
• Imagine You Could Kick Writer’s Block In The Nads
• How To Create A Dystopia
• It Could Always Be Worse
• An Important Proclamation On The Defeat Of The Dark Lord

Longer Stories

• The Dark Lord, The Dwarf, And The Dragon
• Flying Saucer Magic
• The Most Compelling Story
• Fermi’s Dragons
• A Dwarf’s View of Goblins
• The Ambassador and the Goblins Go To War
• Do I Regret Ransoming The World?
• The Long Table
• The Dark Lord Spends A Very Long Night In The Lich Caves
• An Impulsive Princess
• A Portable Feast Of Adventurers
• The Third Son and The Third Son and The Third Son
• Durk Harmless: Lost In Space
• …what do you mean Bond is dead?
• The Airless Kingdom
• Superpowered Job Hassles
• Courting An Orc
• How I Became A Satirist
• The Goblin King Goes Good
• Pandora Unrepentant
• Advice From An Old Monster

Adventure

• Splitting The Prince
• The Paladin And The Helm
• On Dwarven Combat & Governance
• The Battering Ram
• Unmarked For Death
• Coyote and Grandfather Crow
• Threads of Victory
• Dark Army Recruitment Message #23
• An Abominable Army
• The Dragon Place
• Three Rules All Dwarves Live By
• The Dwarf and the Pyrite
• The Lich’s Priorities
• Dragon Variants – Hunger
• Better Dungeonkeeping
• The Dark Lord and the Runesword Version II
• Alice’s Nightmare, Everybody Dies Version
• More Than You Wanted To Know About Gnome Technology

Poetry / Doggerel

• Again In Praise Of Hobbit-Weed
• Dungeon Doggerel Even Further
• Goblinated Doggerel
• Three Dwarven Poems
• It’s Silly Fantasy Poems All The Way Down
• Dungeon Doggerell Keeps Going
• Draconic Aliens
• A Traditional Air-Pirate Shanty
• Baba Yaga’s Iron Teeth
• Survival
• Silly Scifi / Fantasy Poems: The Revenge of The Revenge
• A Necromancer’s Hangover Poem
• Short Scifi Complaints In Poetic Form
• Time To Wind The Moon
• Minion Mentations
• Three Golem Poems
• Crossroads Thoughts: A Sonnet for Hekate
• Skinshifter’s Lullaby
• Thicket-note on The Green Man
• Diogenes’ Time Machine
• Elopement of the Muse
• The Hollow Moon
• An Ode To The Mob
• Somehow There’s More Dungeon Doggerel
• The Revenge Of Silly Little Fantasy Tropes
• Present Arms
• Various Villainous Benedictions
• Ma’at
• Dungeon Doggerel Dimensional Distension

Ridiculousness

• Pickup Lines For Hobbits
• Pickup Lines For Goblins
• Pickup Lines For Dungeons
• Pickup Lines For Elves
• Pickup Lines For Atlanteans
• Mothman Pickup Lines
• Unhinged Sci-Fi & Fantasy Pickup Lines
• Pickup Lines For A Giant Mutant Alien Praying Mantis
• Baldur’s Gate Pickup Lines
• We Villainpunks
• Aboleth
• Ancient Alien Pickup Lines
• TRAPS: The Big Red Button
• Lovecrafted: An MLM Cultist Experience
• The Dungeon Gift Shop
• gOblins HaTE yoU
• 17 Foolproof Ways A Fantasy Author Can Overcome Writer’s Block
• Things That Are Easier To Work On Than That Novel
• Drinking With Various Magical Creatures Redux
• Three Dwarves Determine The Proper Amount Of Ice
• More Cursed Items The Dwarves Made Loki
• you should talk to your internet provider about that mimic problem
• Not A Mimic
• A Collection Of Dwarf Humor
• Twelve Reasons Not To Spend Your Money On Books
• How To Create A Dystopia
• Some Goblinesque Ways To Live
• On Secret Societies
• Imagine You Could Kick Writer’s Block In The Nads
• Inigo or Wesley – Better Swordsman
• Cheesy Sci-Fi / Fantasy Pickup Lines Volume 2

Other Useful Doors

Villainpunk & Dark Lord:
Abjuration: On Villainpunk,
Why You Should Hire Your Nemeses,
A Dark Lord’s Guide To Excellent Relations,
Always Underestimate The Bad Guy,
On Dark Lord Cloaks,
Revenge or Mercy

Bestiary / Monsters:
Abominable Yeti & Friends,
The Chaos Beast,
Brownie,
Another One Eaten By Mimics

Seasonal / Halloween:
Absolutely Real Halloween Traditions,
As Winter Comes And The Bogeymen Shyly Leave Their Closets,
Present Arms

Food, Drink & Etiquette:
Fantasy and Science Fiction Drinking Etiquette,
The Last Meals Of Some Fantasy Races,
What Do Villains Eat?,
Some Fantasy Drinking Etiquette,
The Green Fairy’s Cure-All,
It’s okay. Give into the arms of Dionysus

Keep Going

There are well over a thousand more. The archive does not care whether you start at the beginning or in the middle. Most of the people who stay simply keep walking.

If you somehow finish all of these and still want more, the next post is usually up by tomorrow. Or you could do something unwise, like buy a book. Or join the mostly-free Patreon, where I occasionally post things that haven’t made it here yet. Or just close the tab and go live your life. The goblins will understand. Probably.

(If you’re still here, you might as well read one more. The Dark Lord is not going to monologue himself.)