(I imagine the title owes something to John Barnes. Have you read his work? I’m really fond of it.)
_________
Once a man invented a time machine
And gave it to Diogenes
Showed him how to use it
And told him he pleased
Diogenes lived in a barrel
And didn’t believe in Fate
He made Aristotle laugh and cry
And you? Go look up the story
of he and Alexander the Great.
As long as the timeline was being ruint,
Diogenes went to a modern library
A thousand years ahead of his time
To be maximally contrary.
He could just barely read it;
It wasn’t quite HIS Greek
But it was close enough that he could comprehend
And he acted like a total geek:
He read a lot about time travel
And every Time Paradox
And he wanted a closer look
At the Universe’s building blocks.
So he began to try:
First, he went back to ancient Greece
To share the modern knowledge he’d received
And, to his belief,
By no-one was he believed.
It didn’t make the Greeks invent modern things
And when he told them about history
Everyone laughed out loud. Even the kindest
Still laughed, though their laughter was whispery.
“Very well,” he said. “I shall go and meet my younger self,
Tell him of our failures and successes
Besides, he’s me;
I’m the one I’m risking with these excesses.”
He met his younger self.
Whose logic was impeccable.
He proved Diogenes didn’t exist;
Diogenes’ confidence was wreckable.
He tried to fix some of his past mistakes, then
Hopping from birth to death
But he could not save himself from himself,
Just as he could not stop drawing breath.
He found Shakespeare and brought him his own plays
To see what would happen at the site.
Shakespeare said, “I don’t want to read that,
I’ve got plays to write.”
Diogenes travelled to Atlantis
To try to soften the catastrophe
Instead, he accidentally caused it;
And got very, very watery.
Finally, in exasperation,
He travelled and returned the time machine
He said to the inventor, “You’re brilliant, but this is crap.
Take me home;
At least I’ve kept it clean.
_________
If you didn’t enjoy this, you probably won’t like Love Marinade: a Steampunk Song of Anti-Romance, either.
Jeff Mach is an author, creator, and humorist. He’s a famous Villain and helped create Villainpunk. He speaks about himself in the third person a considerable amount; don’t ask me why.
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