Hear ye, hear ye!
Or hear ye not, if it pleaseth thee. You don’t have to know the news. Just be ignorant, why don’t you?
At any rate, we have word from the Kings of the West and the Lord of the Elves and several other important persons: You have heard the rumors that the Dark Lord Alice was victorious against the armies of Good. This is not true. First off, that’s impossible. Second, if the Dark Lord had won, we’d all be dead or enslaved. Are we all dead or enslaved? We are not! Ergo, the rumors you have heard are false.
And we will be hearing back from our armed forces very soon; they have simply all undertaken a secret mission whose nature will become known to you in the future, and that is why you can’t communicate with any of them.
As for the Dark Lord Alice, she is definitely dead.”
(pause)
…that is the point at which you all applaud.
(polite applause). “Thank you. Apparently there was some confusion, as some of you heard she was struck down by the blade of a mighty hero, some heard she perished in a fire, some heard she was blasted by a mighty spell by the entire Guild of White Wizards. And some jokers among you have suggested that with so many stories about her death, it seems possible that none of them are correct. If anyone says this, just bring them to your local White Wizard. For education. In point of fact, it is simply that ALL of the stories are correct:
The Dark Lord Alice was struck down by the enchanted blade Sturmdranger, wielded by a nameless Hero, while simultaneously being excoriated by divine electricity, while spells of power with peer savaged her soul, while also she was on fire for some reason. See? It makes perfect sense. At any rate, we are all victorious! Ignore any reports you hear otherwise, and when we say ‘ignore’, we mean, ‘Inform us at your earliest convenience, so that we may ensure that you are not assailed by false information meant to give aid and comfort to the enemy’s remaining forces. Now go home and pay your taxes. But first, buy a drink for the person making this proclamation. He needs it.
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