Ancient Alien Pickup Lines


  1. Your weirdly-empty and oddly hieroglyph-less, intimidatingly Cyclopean, Sphinx-guarded enormous energy source masquerading as a burial pyramid in the midst of this World’s strange and pitiless desert…or mine? Or maybe the Lemurians? Who even knows?
  2. “No WAY! You were ALSO Nikola Tesla in a former life?”
  3. “No WAY! You were ALSO Pharaoh Khufu in a former life? Were you the one who accidentally appeared to the Olmecs in a circlet of flame and smoke and and started that whole Aztec cannibalism thing?”
  4. “…better head than Easter Island.”
  5. “…wetter than Atlantis. You know, afterwards.”
  6. “I think that the human race really needed to make a 55′-tall statue of someone who looks vaguely like me in order to thank me for sharing with them the secrets of archaeology and income tax.”
  7. “And then we decided to make them bilaterally symmetrical, just in case any of the nice, normal, tomato-shaped inhabitants of the rest of the Universe ever come and visit. It’ll be HILARIOUS.”
  8. I’ve got this 30,000-pound block of carefully-dressed stone. Want to have sex on it and then leave it in the middle of the desert to confuse people for the next few thousand years?
  9. “Why don’t we re-arrange the alphabet, put Alpha and Omega together, blow up this planet, and try again somewhere else?”



“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.