Absolutely Real Halloween Traditions

Now that Halloween Is over, we’ve had the pleasure of experiencing many, many variations on its famous spooky traditions. Here are some of the most classic Halloween traditions, in case you missed any.

1. Bobbing for Triffids. This decades-old fashion continues to be a favorite among out space alien overlords. Triffids are a benevolent species and will only blind and digest you if you get within a 10′ radius of you. So don’t worry. And DUCK!
2. Replacing all the balls in your local amusement park’s ball pit with pumpkins.
3. Use a cursed rutabaga instead of a pumpkin. Oh, sure, they don’t look as good, but if you train yours to wait until the person with the biggest bag shows up, you get a decoration AND a free bag of candy! Mind the jaws.
4. Forget to Trick or Treat and stay up all night studying for a Molecular Biology exam even though you’re not studying Molecular Biology.
5. Decide the opposite. Decide that “Every Day Is  day”, then wait until early November and go Trick or Treating. When the police are called, please forget this blog.
6. Endless Cornfield Maze. You know how most cornfields are finite and occupy normal space and time? This one’s just like that, except it’s infinite and once you enter the maze, you’ll never leave. Endless Halloween!
7. Jim from Accounting Party. You all know Jim from accounting…the one you’d think was trying to live up to accounting stereotypes in an ironic, funny way until you get to know him and find out he’s allergic to both of those words? Everyone dresses like him, talks like him, and wanders through the building wondering what the IRS would consider allowable depreciation on various office supplies.
8. The encirclement of black cats.
   Look. There could be any number of reasons why every night-black cat in this region has assembled in a long, silent, disciplined line, walked several miles, and is beginning to encircle your house. It’s just one of those wacky things that happens once every 183 years on Halloween.
9. CONGRATULATIONS!  You will ABSOLUTELY win this year’s Loudest And Most Deranged Screaming To Wake The Dead Contest. It won’t even be CLOSE.
10. And you don’t know it, but you’re about to be in the Guiness Book of World Records for your Rummelpott skills although at the time, you won’t even know what they are; all you know is that they represent noise and noise represents the slm, faint chance of hope.
11. And in everyone’s favorite tradition, play Count the Heartbeat. The heartbeat, so normal, so taken for granted, yet so essential for life. And spoooooooooky. Ka-thump, ka-thump!You’ve got, oh, about a hundred heartbeats left.Enjoy them. Eat a candy bar or something. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!_________

You might enjoy my book, “I HATE Your Prophecy”