Minion Mentations

Who has to do all the dirtiest deeds?
The minions! The minions!
Who’s often forgotten when the Boss succeeds?
The minions! The minions?

Who has to be the bait for the Dragon?
The minions! The minions!
When the horses flee, who pulls the wagon?
The minions! The minions!

Who has to scurry while the Big Bads all brood?
Who gets eaten first if we run out of food?
Whose uniform never once includes a snood?
The minions
The minions
The minions!

Who cleans up after each Saturnalia?
Minions! Minions!
Who feeds giant spiders when we take Australia?
Minions! Minions!
Who works for a Queen who would gladly impale ya?
Minions, minions, minions!

Now, who gets beat up way less than the Boss?
And who is essential in each double cross?
Who gets free metal teeth that they don’t need to floss?

Who builds the fortresses out of solid rock?
The minions! The minions?
Who’s rented to circuses when Master’s in hock?
The minions! The minions?
Who can’t complain without vaporization?
The minions! The minions?
Who has the worst job in all of creation?

The life of a minion is difficult and fraught
With terrors and problems and (eep!) being caught
But it also holds thrills which just can’t be bought
A Villainless minion? What a horrible thought!

Sure, they might bake us into gingerbread;
Our average lifespan is “already dead”.
But we live to serve (does that need to be said?)
A minion unvillained is a million tears shed.

World conquest is hard and oft-unrewarding
You have to spend gold that you’d rather be hoarding
It’s a really tough job, and we play major roles
In disintegrations, and digging world-threatening holes

Our bosses might eat us or treat us with total distrust
But we knew that to start; it was clearly discussed.
There are lots of job which are way worse than ours
And at least we get free radiation showers.

We like working hard. That’s why we are minions!
It’s our job to extend the Dark Lord’s dominions
It’s our job to rob every bank we can find
On behalf of our criminal arch-mastermind.

Our work may have tyrannosaur-sized annoyances
But it sure as heck beats most unemployances.
Dear Mistress: We’re fans. Not one of us is a hater.
So don’t kill us all now.
You might need us later.

~Jeff Mach


(You can picture this however you want; but when I think of “Minions”, I think less of the rather adorable movies, and more of the Studio Foglio “Girl Genius” model.)

Here’s my novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.

And here’s Evil Expo, the Convention for Villains.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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