Courting An Orc

Depending on your sources, you may have heard any number of complicated things about dating an Orc. Many of these are contradictory. Much of it is spread via myth, legend, and flat-out lying.

A very reasonable percentage of the lying comes from the Orcs themselves, of ourse.

But here are 7 of our favorite reasons.

7. Orcs are morally diverse. There was a time when we believed all Orcs to be a monolith, vicious, mean, unkind, tough, dangerous, destructive. But now, in a modern age, we realize they are just teddy bears hoping to be loved, if we make the guess that teddy bears are genetically part lizard and covered in sharp, pointy things and the sort of teeth that make sharks feel a sudden need to go in for cosmetic dentistry.

6. Orcs are all evil. Morally diverse? Are you KIDDING? These are beings who don’t worship the God of Death because the God of Death just kills you in a heartbeat*, and Orcs much prefer the kind of spiritual entity which will take its time hacking you into improbably small pieces with a battleax the size of Norway.

5. Speaking of, if your Orc is ever sad, simply book a flight to Australia. They’re probably just pining for the fjords. But flight is easy in any Multiverse which contains Orcs; you can just go by giant eagle. Those suckers will fly ANYWHERE as long as it’s convenient to the plot.

4. Orcs are very good at plots. Now, if you’re asking if I mean “schemes and plans”, or “the ideas which drive a work of fiction from abstract ideas to full-fledged stories”, or “the big heap of land you buy so you have a place for your corpse”, the answer is, “Yes.”

3. Orcs WILL fight for your love.

2. And anything else, really. You give ’em a chance to utter a war-cry and go to town on a person, place, or thing, they’ll do it.

That’s not innuendo. I hope.

  1. They are FIERCELY loyal. Not necessarily possessive or jealous, but loyal to a fault.

Of course, you should return that loyalty. You know what they say,

“Never cheat on an Orc,
Or you’ll become Long Pork.”


* Two, if you’re a Time Lord



“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.