We’d now like to enhance your reading experience with some words from our sponsor. We have no idea how that would make anything better, but since we are actually our own sponsor, we’re going to include this anyway.
Tell us: Do YOU experience brief but worrisome moments of clarity wherein you realize that the world appears to be going to Hell in a handbasket, and it’s not even a very good handbasket?
Have you ever been going about your day-to-day life, living in appropriately unbelievable levels of spiking anxiety and concern that you’ll accidentally stare at some screen or another and be sucked into whatever personal drama, politics, or clickbait atrocities which will attract your attention and engage your horrified attention, even if a moment of logical thought would tell you that what you’re seeing is probably not entirely true?
(We don’t blame you for being unable to summon that thought; as far as we can tell, Logic fled this plane of existence years ago, and not even the most reliable instrumentation can tell us where it went.)
And furthermore: Yes, of course you have.
That’s why we recommend alcohol and cookies!
But since we don’t personally sell those, we strongly suggest….Dark Lord Cloaks!
(We don’t sell those either, at the time of this writing. But it’s the sort of thing we WOULD sell, if we weren’t busy bamboozling you into the idea that you might want to subsidize our horrible writing habit with some of your hard-earned lucre.)
Dark Lord Cloaks come in a variety of shapes and sizes, so long as by “a variety of”, you mean “amorphous and greyish-black”. Though, to be fair (why would we be fair, though?) – some of the shades of grey are slightly darker than others. They are 100% made out of material; you have our word on that.. And from the simplest DIY “basically-a-very-dirty-bathrobe-with-a-hood-“ to the most costly bespoke tailored-by-Sauron’s second-favorite hairdresser’s wardrobe mistress and bespoke Hobbit strangler, they all have one very important thing in common: You look like a JERK if you check your phone too often while wearing something of that nature.
And while, yes, cloaks can conceal your true form, hide your nature, and disguise your identity; and while some of them are enchanted to protect you from attacks; really, there’s only one thing that’s important, if you want to maintain your sanity or, in your case, your villainously wild insanity: do not let electronic distraction-devices mess up your thoughts. You’ll never be able to cast a proper death-spell or destroy someone’s warp drive with sophisticated weaponry if you’re busy letting some damn screen hypnotize you.
Dark Lord Cloaks: Because they look cool, and they remind you to focus on destroying your enemies, and not, necessarily, yourself.