November 14, 2026 / Jeff Mach's Writing

Brain Radio Commercials Of The Not Very Distant Future

Sure, you might be one of the few people that hasn’t had brain radios implanted in them by various commercial interests, and therefore, this might seem like satire to you. But we of the Brain Radio Amalgamated Art & Mind Control Division are proud of our work, and wanted to give it event o the unenlightened. So here are seven of the favorite brain radio Commercials of the future.

  1. “Honey, I’m so embarrassed! The girls at work figured out I still shampoo my hair by…putting stuff in my hair!” “Oh, sweetie, you’re so silly. That’s why I got you a prescription for Shampex(tm) which takes all the good stuff in hair, puts it in a pill, shoots it into your body and straight up through your brain and into your scalp! And even the commercials it gives you are top-quality!”
  2. “There’s no sugar at all in this seven pound chocolate bar! Instead, we’ve filled it with hot sauce, like the Aztecs. This is the perfect gift for someone who has everything. We guarantee they don’t have this, unless they’re REALLY unpopular.
  3. “Even Martians love the cool, refreshing taste of Heinz Roasted Martian Ketchup.”
  4. “Does YOUR cat feel you’ve been making insufficient sacrifices to Bastet, She Whose Purr Cracks Mountains? Have you found yourself plagued with mice, boils, insurance salespersons, and mysterious claw marks all over your windows? Stop by the Temple of Bastet today, and make a contribution; you’ll find a booth at your local PetSapient store.”
  5. “Warning signs of country music interest can include: watching Western movies, fondness for someone named John Wayne, and a tendency to whistle. If you see any of these signs, contact your local law enforcement immediately.”
  6. “We may have been conquered by the Venusians and enslaved by the inhabitants of several moons of Jupiter, but they still allow us to enjoy sweet, relaxing leaves. Yes, you can chew on all the leaves you want and not even get stun-gunned for it! Try a leaf today. Not available in Canada.”
  7. “Are YOU radioactive? Why not hug someone? The more radioactive people there are, the better our lobby will be, if we don’t die first!”

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You might enjoy “Debunking The Evil Overlord List”

 

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Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He'd love for you to check out patreon.com/jeffmach for his favorite work (it's almost all free!) He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market and The Big Dark Lord Dwarf Novel. You can get his last novel, "I HATE YOUR Prophecy", or his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books of shortt fiction. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on X or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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