“Sometimes the world needs a monster. Sometimes the monster just needs the world to stop screaming long enough to ask it out.”
— Ishiguru Mishi, 1954 (last words)
Kaiju are 300 feet tall, breathe atomic fire, and level cities. But what if one of them is just tired of destroying Tokyo and wants to destroy your loneliness instead? In case you ever need them, have some Kaiju Pickup Lines.
“After a lot of dates, the other person doesn’t call. I plan on destroying the infrastructure of your entire city. There won’t be phones or electricity. And for the first time ever, when the phone doesn’t ring, you won’t blame yourself.”
“At four hundred feet tall, I can’t actually meet you in a restaurant, but if you sit on my shoulder, I’ll walk us to France and let Paris live if they cook something you like.”
“Look, yes, diving into the radiation tank does have the possibility of making you into a vast monster able to bring a civilization to its knees, but it also makes you one of three single Kaiju on this continent. Trust me on this — after you eat this city, who are you going to tell about it?”
“I hope you like flowers, and I hope the New York Botanical Garden counts.”
“The military has a contingency plan in which they lure me far outside the city and destroy me with weapons of mass destruction. I plan to fool them by scrunching REALLY small and hanging out in this Italian restaurant over here. Do you have a contingency plan for dinner?”
“I’ve leveled three continents. I have never once leveled with someone about my feelings until you. And Godzilla, but to be fair, I was just fanboying.”
“Most people run when they see me coming. You brought binoculars, a 4-ton hunk of frozen beef, and a picnic blanket which covers a third of Central Park. Is there a chance you’ve done this before?”
“Destruction of every inch of a city is temporary. True love is permanent. At least, I think this is so. Want to find out?”
“They call me a kaiju. I call me ‘the guy who’s about to ask you to prom… and I GUARANTEE you’ll be prom queen of anyone left alive.’”
“I crush buildings for a living. I’d rather crush on you instead. For one thing, hopefully, this involves more alcohol.”
“I promise I’m not like those other Kaiju. I only step on buildings that deserve it. And maybe a few that looked at you funny.”
“You know how in Pacific Rim they needed two pilots to run a Jaeger? I only need one — you. The other seat can just be for snacks.”
“I may be radioactive, but my love is 100% organic, locally grown, and terrifyingly sincere.”
“Yes, I’m the reason the evacuation sirens go off. But I’m also the reason you’d never need another alarm clock, because my footsteps are very punctual.”
“I once fought Mechagodzilla for three days straight. I’d fight your ex for you if you asked nicely.”
“Most humans want a partner who’s tall, dark, and handsome. I can give you two out of three and make up for the rest by being the size of a small mountain.”
“If you date me, I’ll let you ride on my head while I roar at your ex’s house. That’s romance, right?”
“I’m not saying I’d sink Tokyo for you… but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t. Depends how the second date goes.”
“They made movies about me destroying the world. I’d rather star in the one where I finally settle down and learn how to gently hold hands without crushing a city block.”
“I know I’m a walking extinction event, but I’ve been practicing being gentle. Want to come over and watch me try not to accidentally destroy Osaka while we have a quiet evening?”
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