Now, you might well ask, “Dark Lord, why are you debunking Peter’s Evil Overlord List – sometimes called,
The Top 100 Things I’d Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
And the answer is quite simple:
I have seen the error of my monstrous, Villainpunk ways. I am now devoting my life to sunshine, planting non-carnivorous flowers, and using my technomagical skills to create potions that make kitties even more cute and adorable.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at the thought. Turn away from Villainy? At the very time when people are making up the most amazing, the most fascinating, the most utterly and completely inaccurate loathsome tales about my unspeakable (and, indeed, generally impossible) deeds of churlery? NO WAY!
It’s just that many people actually haven’t heard of the Evil Overlord list; as the Internet has grown, we’ve learned a great deal, but certain artifacts of original iniquity have been lost or become obscure.
And so I have come forth to tell you: The Evil Overlord List is a TRAP!
Yes! It’s true!
In point of fact, the vast majority of the list is made up of erroneous information, designed to lull heroes into a false sense of security by reminding them of the foolishness of we silly villains, and to separate some of the Villainous wheat from the Villainous chaff.
…”But, Dark Lord,” I hear absolutely no-one asking, “if this is true, why unveil its secrets? Why weaken the cause of Villainy, even slightly, by debunking the falsehoods within this list?”
Ah, my friend. Remember that strategy is a high-stakes poker came played with Death for the very highest stakes in a no-holds-barred bareknuckle battle to the finish, using a triple-edged blade, on an ever-shifting gameboard that is constantly surrounded by alligators and, for some reason, tiny ghostlike figures who interfere with one’s natural desire to eat as many power pellets as possible.
Many Heroes and Villains have already figured out these tropes, and solved them. So in some cases, there’s no harm in my adding to a knowledge that’s already out in the world.
I know that this may shock you, but –
every once in a while, Villains lie.
Yes, most of my discussions will be clarifying the record and explaining why the Dark Lords and Fiendish Villains of old were NOT as foolish as the modern record would like to represent them.
And some of them are traps. Plausibly-logical, calmly-reasoned TOTAL AND UTTER DEATHTRAPS OF FALSE INFORMATION WAITING TO SLAY THE UNWARY.
Let’s face it. Many of us have experienced situations where a perfectly true, evidence-based, documentable thing has been interpreted as some sort of Unspeakably Foul Plot.
Well, if that’s how the forces of Good want it, that’s how they get it. As I begin this project, I’ll know:
They can assume I’m telling lies, and that mistake will ultimately be fatal.
Or they can assume I’m telling the truth, and that mistake will ultimately be fatal.
Or they can assume that the World is complicated and we should have some reasonable conversations in order to better-understand each other, as opposed to simply fighting to the death all the time.
Which they will NEVER, EVER DO, and that mistake will ultimately be fatal.
yours in Villainy,
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.