(No AI was used in this list-making. They’re pretty good at lists, but I have to take all the blame on this. This should also help any other artist you know who’s trying to succeed; at least they’ll know that it’s not the Universe against them, it’s you. Anyway, here are some suggestions for unhelping artists:
7. Pay us handsomely…in Martian currency. “John Carter of Mars” was really my introduction to science fiction. I’ll never forget the legends of Barsoom. And if you pay us in Martian currency, we can do absolutely nothing with it and will starve to death.
6. Be on the lookout for people who might be interested in my work and might want to, say, option films out of it. Find them, tell them I’m overrated, and suggest Stephanie Meyers instead.
5. Be Stephanie Meyers. Be offended by that last remark. Sue me for every penny I have. They’re yours, Ms. Meyers. Both of ’em.
4. Decide you’ll see if you like my work after the movie comes out. If there’s no movie, it can’t be any good, right? (I would answer that question, but I was waiting for the movie.)
3. Hit me with a garden hose. This is actually bad for the concentration of many, if not most, writers. Especially if it’s turned on and aimed at me at the time.
2.. Take away my word processor. Hand me a typewriter. Make sure it’s out of ink.
I remember typewriters from fourth grade. Terrifying.
- There is no number one. You have been eaten by a Grue.
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Go read A Goblincore Guide To Life; it’s free!
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