On Being Devoured By Invisible Demons

It’s said that the author of the Necronomicon was devoured in broad daylight by invisible demons.

This leads us to rather a lot of questions, not the least of which, if you happen to live in the current era, is “Wait a minute! How can I get devoured by invisible demons?”

Also, invisible to whom, exactly? I mean, if they were invisible to everyone, how do we know they were demons? Actually, how do you have a crowd savvy enough to detect demons, but NOT savvy enough to try to banish them?

(Although it’s also possible that do-gooder wizards were held back by Amazon, which realized that the book would sell much better after its author was consumed.)

And what kind of demon? And why devoured? Were they particularly hungry? One figures that, if there are demons in the world, and they eat people, it would happen more than once, right?

Unless, of course, they have very slow metabolisms, like boa constrictors. Maybe they only need to eat, oh, every 500 years or so.

In which case…

Perhaps they’re on their way even now!



Put down your phones; that death is slower than devouring, but more painful.

Abandon your worst life choices. They, too, might lead to an escape from this timeline, but again, it takes SO LONG.

No, clearly this is the time to begin serious study of the occult.

It’s well-known that serious studies of the Unseen Arts lead to three places: Madness, death, or (rarely!) great power.

Reasonably speaking, ALL of those are probably quite a lot more fun than what you’re currently experiencing, surely?

Best of all, while we don’t seem to have any real Necronomicons on the market, there are a number of great fakes available. All of them are either stupid (ie, all the Summonings…none of the Bindings)–or else they’re wholly fake. And if working very hard to learn a magical system that doesn’t exist won’t drive you into a state of deliciously weird insanity, I don’t know what will.

This has been a Dark Lord Life Hack. If this helps you, pass it on to a friend. Or, as more likely with my readers, one (or more) of your many enemies.

Have a darkling, doomed day!

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.