On Cubes:The Proud Hunter Skins His Kill
The Milliner said, “Look. I can’t make a hat from this
As he started at the corpse of the cube gelatinous.
“It can’t take needle. It can’t take thread.
Why not just wear it before it was dead?”
As he started at the corpse of the cube gelatinous.
“It can’t take needle. It can’t take thread.
Why not just wear it before it was dead?”
“It would have swallowed me,” the Adventurer said.
“Maybe it knew your sense of taste,” said the Milliner, his face a stone.
“Now please go kill me something with at least one bone.”
“Maybe it knew your sense of taste,” said the Milliner, his face a stone.
“Now please go kill me something with at least one bone.”
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The Umber Hulk
To some, they’re horrors, tunnelling, huge
Good for nothing but strapping to a centrifuge
They have strange eyes; avoid perusing
As the effects are quite confusing.
Good for nothing but strapping to a centrifuge
They have strange eyes; avoid perusing
As the effects are quite confusing.
(I was once with an adventuring team.
Which had Hulk-Slaying as their dream
But they looked in its eyes…and began to kanoodle
What happened next was fairly brutal.)
Which had Hulk-Slaying as their dream
But they looked in its eyes…and began to kanoodle
What happened next was fairly brutal.)
So I swore vengeance was what I wanted
And they became Restauranted
And now, at Long John Umber’s
You can get chitinous Hulks in tremendous numbers.
And they became Restauranted
And now, at Long John Umber’s
You can get chitinous Hulks in tremendous numbers.
Turns out the Ocean is their origin
And they are indeed crustacean.
We campaign to Save the Whales
While serving broiled Umber Tails.
And they are indeed crustacean.
We campaign to Save the Whales
While serving broiled Umber Tails.
We’re making money hands over fists
Our only fear’s environmentalists.
They fear the Hulk will go extinct;
“Who cares?” is our reply succinct.
Our only fear’s environmentalists.
They fear the Hulk will go extinct;
“Who cares?” is our reply succinct.
So if by my town you wander near
Tell ’em you heard about it here.
Forget your hunger and your sulking!
Get out there and Happy Hulking!
Tell ’em you heard about it here.
Forget your hunger and your sulking!
Get out there and Happy Hulking!
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A Fate Worse Than Germs
I know a terrible hypochondriac
Sure that if she went out, she’d never come back,
Slain by some insidious germ
Fortunately, she was eaten by a Purple Worm.
Sure that if she went out, she’d never come back,
Slain by some insidious germ
Fortunately, she was eaten by a Purple Worm.
O Purple Worms, how to praise you first?
You make it seem pleasant to die of thirst
You make it seem pleasant to die of thirst
You may not be of the keenest with
But that’s quality acid that you spit.
But that’s quality acid that you spit.
You’re very difficult to slay.
Which is why in the cities I’m glad to stay.
But a thousand Orcs travel to you as we speak,
They’ve got a barbecue planned. It’ll take a week.
Which is why in the cities I’m glad to stay.
But a thousand Orcs travel to you as we speak,
They’ve got a barbecue planned. It’ll take a week.
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Tripodal Evolutionary Processes
A few words about the tripodal Xorn
In my side, always a thorn.
In my side, always a thorn.
I’ll get them though. For I have bred
Other tripods; and drawn a thread.
At great expense, and peril sure,
I’ve imported Triffids…thousands or more
Other tripods; and drawn a thread.
At great expense, and peril sure,
I’ve imported Triffids…thousands or more
They’ll eat the Xorn. I’m sure of it.
And then cry out for more of it.
They’ll find their ecological niche. No fuss.
I’m SURE that they won’t turn to us.
And then cry out for more of it.
They’ll find their ecological niche. No fuss.
I’m SURE that they won’t turn to us.
___
Rust Monsters
I hope you weren’t feeling lusty;
I’m about to talk about Monsters, Rusty.
I’m about to talk about Monsters, Rusty.
They’re something like giant rats
If they were magical, spat acid, and ate cats.They’re not impossible to kill,
Don’t sap your level. Just your will.
Your magic sword slew it. This is true.
If they were magical, spat acid, and ate cats.They’re not impossible to kill,
Don’t sap your level. Just your will.
Your magic sword slew it. This is true.
But now it’s a bubbling enchanted stew.
To what possible problem of evolution
Could magic rust-eating be the solution?
Could magic rust-eating be the solution?
(Or was the Master of Dungeons exercising his talents
Annoying the players, but maintaining the Balance?
Annoying the players, but maintaining the Balance?
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The Fate Of The Kuo-Tua
The Kuo-Tua worship Dagon
Who is, unfortunately gone
The reason why might draw no scorn
And here’s why the KT do not mourn.
Who is, unfortunately gone
The reason why might draw no scorn
And here’s why the KT do not mourn.
Dagon is of the Fellest of Fells
But even He’s not fond of spells
And I think we can all agree:
Dungeon-Land’s overrun by Wizardry.
But even He’s not fond of spells
And I think we can all agree:
Dungeon-Land’s overrun by Wizardry.
So Dagon opened a dimensional gate
(We didn’t see. It was very late.)
(We didn’t see. It was very late.)
He’s gone from there. Kapoof!
(And in this world. And on your roof.)
Leaving the lonely Kuo-Toa
With their civilization a protozoa
Many of them simply thought of fleeing,
With their civilization a protozoa
Many of them simply thought of fleeing,
Serving some other eldritch being.
Blibdoolpoolp is horrifying and vicious
She sleeps with the fishes;
Her priests are in a sanitarium
And she’s in the aquarium.
And she’s in the aquarium.
Rob Adventurers? That’s insane.
Too little coin. Leaves a stain.
But we’ve the finest tourist attraction underseas
Too little coin. Leaves a stain.
But we’ve the finest tourist attraction underseas
(That’ll be $17.95 per corn dog, please.)
_________
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