“My story? My dear, it’s true and strange;
About the power of time, and change
A Princess once I was, and young
Brave of heart, and bold of tongue
A Dragon I fought, the Realm to save
I defeated a Witch. Outsmarted a knave.
As Queen my reign was just and good.
But I envied the Witch in the darkling wood.
For freed was she. She answered to none.
While I? I answered to everyone.
The nobles schemed. The peasants demanded.
I slaved for the serfs, and I slaved for the landed.
The longer I ruled, the more they forgot
That I saved them once. (That ungrateful lot!)
And they found a new Princess. (What wretched behavior!)
Telling the poor girl they needed a savior.
Now she quests with Righteousness.
And when her life’s a benighted mess,
They’ll find another Princess fair
To get the old one out of their hair.
Nobody ought to go through what I did
So consider my actions a mercy here, kid:
Yes, that apple is poisoned. But it’s no crime
All I’m doing is saving you time.”
Jeff Mach is one of the universe’s most notable fictional monsters. He feels kind-of weird writing a new biography at the bottom of every piece, especially the fictional ones, but the bottom of the pages seems a bit empty to him otherwise. Anyway, Jeff Mach writes stuff, which you probably know if you’re seeing this, considering the fact that the website is called “Jeff Mach Writes”. His Twitter is @darklordjournal, and there’s nothing to stop you from buying his novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord“. Except for common decency, obviously.