Day 9,873. Patient continues lack of awareness that the entire world is against them. This is the only positive in an otherwise dreary drudgery of failure.
Cancelled patient’s favorite TV show. Patient threw huge party to celebrate final episode, watched with tears in eyes, got cheered up by friends, immediately got three recommendations for shows to binge. Two of them came from attractive single persons who had both sincere and ulterior motivations, the ulterior motivations involving smooching. Rumor that patient—has bubonic plague not catching on.
Day 9,877. Patient is now dating one of the attractive persons from Final Episode party. Despite numerous anonymous complaints against patient, upper management somehow decided to go with competence and against baseless lies. Who is managing Upper Management? What is WRONG with them?
Day 9,881. Patient and dating partner had argument involving jealousy over watching with other attractive person. ‘Accidentally’ sent flowers a huge success. Remember not to murder florist.
Day 9,882. Problem settled with threesome. Does anyone know where we left our tub of Xanax?
Day 9,883. Patient went for a walk. Stubbed toe. Cursed in front of dowdy old woman. Dowdy old woman patted patient on the back and offered a band-aid. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF ANGRY OLD LADIES? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS.
Day 9,885. Took risk. Crept up behind patient and pushed down stairs whilst perched precariously with groceries. For one glorious moment, all was right in the World. Patient bruised, ankle sprained, toe broken, narrowly escaped concussion. Groceries spilled all over. Made escape. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Day 9,886-9,888. Took some time off as a reward. Spent entire time watching sequels to great movies which lacked the writers, directors, and/or primary actors, and/or the whole spirit which made first movie a success. Laughed self sick. Feel better.
Day 9,889. Came back to find patient surrounded by loved ones, including both partners, who were holding hands. They were watching “Cannonball II” with evident enjoyment. WHAT?!?! Considered having vision checked, but Jackie Chan is hard to miss. Dozens of people have signed cast. Work has said that patient has been working too hard and is owed an additional two-week vacation. WHY HASN’T BOSS BEEN ELIMINATED YET? Cast is covered in dozens of overlapping signatures from well-wishers. Patient surrounded by loved ones. Glow is almost unbearable.
Day 9,999. Out of whiskey. Checked on patient. Patient was singing and dancing in the rain. Sent cop to arrest for drunk and disorderly; song so catchy that cop called in. Entire thing filmed and placed on Internet. Patient is internet celebrity.
Day 10,000. Big budget day. Had ex come forward and say that patient was kleptomaniac and had stolen everything from them. Total uproar. Still have hangover, couldn’t watch long..
Day 10,001. Ex not actually ex, just glory-seeker who underestimated popularity of patient. Made tearful confession on television, made large contribution to charity, bought patient a kitten.
Day 10,025. Realized Universe is conspiring against ME, not other way around.
Day Unknown: By the time you find this message in a bottle, it will be too late. I’ve been on this lush deserted tropical island for months now. Indigenous population of headhunters very impressed by my collection of the skulls of former patients; inducted me into tribe. Tribe delicious. Life is good.
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