How To Tenderize An Elf

Of all the skills I’ve taught myself,
“How to tenderize an Elf”
has proven useful, for my whole crew
finds Elves a little tough to chew.

You’d think it strange. They seem so light.
But it’s hard to get the texture right.
Those pointy ears, those pointy teeth,
and pointy bones all underneath.

(And let’s not speak of Elvin ribs
On which nobody will call dibs;
Oddly stringy, low on meat
Even a whole rack seems incomplete.)

Now, granted, Elves are sometimes-foods
For Elves (and all their catty broods)
Are hard to catch, and full of wile
Claim to like ’em? You’re in denial.

But Elves hold grudges, ancient scores
And think they’re apex carnivores
It’s nice to take them down a notch
(And somewhat worth a culinary botch.)

In conclusion: Elves are full of ick.
And I’d rather chew on a muddy brick
But evolution’s competitive
And I’d rather not let Elflings live.

So I recommend a marinade
And of spice and seasoning, be unafraid.
Be they Elves of forest, sea or grove,
We recommend a very hot stove.

Elves are sometimes rather scary
But less so when your interest is culinary.
They live thousands of years, so they can’t gripe:
It’s time to eat them. They’re finally ripe.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.