Because nothing screams “romance” like questionable personal hygiene, an obsession with shiny objects, and the faint hope that your species isn’t completely doomed to a life of cave-dwelling and petty theft. At least, not if you let this goblin repopulate your evening.
Goblins have been trying to pick up taller, prettier races for centuries, usually with rusty knives and bad ideas. These are the slightly more civilized attempts. (Or at least the ones that don’t immediately involve biting.) Go ahead, go home with a goblin! Results may include minor blood loss, sudden interest in hoarding, unexplained missing socks, and the distinct feeling that your date is judging your lack of pockets.
Here’s a fresh batch of goblin pickup lines, in the same chaotic, self-aware style as the Martian ones:
“Are you an adventurer? Because you’ve got the kind of loot that makes a goblin forget all about shiny coins and start thinking about shiny… you.”
“I come from a damp cave with damp hopes and damp everything else. I’m basically a tiny green Keats with sharper teeth. Doesn’t that sound hot?”
“My tribe is small, greedy, and on the verge of total extinction. If you date me for a few weeks before I get stepped on by an orc, you’ll be way more prepared when your own life falls apart. How’s that for practical romance?”
“They say goblins have sticky fingers. Two for picking locks, and one reserved exclusively for holding yours. (The fourth is for emergencies.)”
“You must be from the surface world because you’re the only thing in this dungeon that isn’t covered in mold and regret.”
“I promise I’m not here to rob you. I’m just here to rob your weekend plans. I’ve got stolen wine, half a wheel of questionable cheese, and a blanket that might be clean. No one can resist that combo.”
“On my world we court by building elaborate trap-filled tunnels. On the surface you just say ‘hello.’ This is much harder than it looks. So when I said I was going to the little goblin’s room, I may have been digging a 30-foot pit trap under your table. …Is there any chance you find that romantic? ‘Hello’ is hard.”
“You’re like a shiny gold coin in the sewer of my goblin existence — bright, valuable, and probably going to disappear if I stare too long.”
“My wagon is parked outside. Want to go for a ride? We’ll knock over a few market stalls and die from common sense. If that’s not romantic, what is?”
“I brought you flowers from the last living mushroom patch in my cave. They’re mostly spores and mild toxicity, but the thought counts, right?”
“On my world we measure love in how many shiny things we’re willing to stop stealing for. I’ve been practicing self-control for three whole days. If you have a little spare time…”
“I may be short, green, and smell faintly of swamp, but my heart is huge. Well, medium. Okay it’s goblin-sized, but it’s beating really fast right now.”
“I’m not saying I’d raid your village for you… but I do have some very enthusiastic ideas about atmospheric adjustment. Mostly involving fire and screaming.”
“You must be an elf (or human, or whatever) because every time you smile my vestigial greed gland starts twitching in a way the shaman doesn’t understand but which may hold the clue to how to keep our two species from immediately stabbing each other. Want to come meet my parents? They live in a hole.”
“Let’s be honest — my species is doomed. So there’s no way I’m going to tie you down to anything serious. In fact, if you don’t call me tomorrow, I might have already run off with your silverware, which would really reduce the awkwardness.”
“I come in peace. Mostly. The other 87% of me comes in mild kleptomania and the strong urge to bite your ear affectionately.”
“They say there’s no good in goblins. Clearly they’ve never seen me trying to flirt. Then they’d realize the amount of good in this goblin is somewhere in the ‘negative twelve’ vicinity.”
“My ex left me for a taller, less bitey partner. I’m hoping you have lower standards and better shinies.”
“Want to come back to my cave? It’s not much, but the view of the dripping stalactites is decent and the mold is only mildly hallucinogenic.”
“I may have tried to eat adventurers in several classic tales, but I promise this time I’m only trying to eat… dinner with you. And maybe nibble a little. Politely.”
“On my world we don’t say ‘I love you.’ We say ‘Your valuables are acceptable and I would not immediately stab you for them.’ That’s basically marriage down here, same as it is up there.”
“While the height difference between us pulls me inexorably toward your kneecaps, the far greater force of your beauty pulls me inexorably to your face. I have no choice but to offer you this slightly used apple I definitely didn’t steal five minutes ago.”
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