(From “Villains, VIllainy & Villanpunk: The Revenge. Not out yet. Enhioy)
“The triffid is a fictional tall, mobile, carnivorous plant species, created by John Wyndham in his 1951 novel The Day of the Triffids, which has since been adapted for film and television.”
-Wikipedia
My friends, the New World Organization is proud to have a chance to serve you.
Now, Triffids may have gotten loose at one point and essentially eaten most Humans, but that’s because the Humans were blinded by cold-war weaponry, antique but extant, which gave them a sky show like they’d never seen and left them blinder than bats, since bats can actually see a little bit.
I know you’re going to be happy with this, and not simply because being unhappy is now a felony, which sure has cheered everyone up.
We ALL know that Triffids are among the most useful vegetables there are. That Triffid oil has so many properties, from axle-grease to providing a safer-than-nuclear power to fuel LLM energy grids, to makin’ a darn tasty snack if you know how to cook with it. Triffids themselves don’t taste bad either, especially for those of us living on Triffid Soylent. Soylent Green isn’t people, folks, it’s people-EATERS.
That’s a huge distinction. Y’all can clap now. Thank you!
But there’s been a big, bad problem. Your average independent Triffid-for-sale comes at best from farms and at worst from individuals looking to make a quick buck. They keep their triffids chained up and feed them raw beef. You end up with some sad and sickly Triffids; least, we think they’re sad; we STILL haven’t deciphered their language. There’s still that HUGE reward for the first person who makes the breakthrough and tells us what all that clicking about, and why it’s intensified so much in the last year.
Now your friendly New World governing body has cracked down very, very seriously on the inhumane practice of keepin’ ‘em all penned up. We learned the HARD way that Triffids, like a lot of animals, like to catch their own prey, and it makes ‘em healthier, which in turn makes higher-quality Triffid oil, upon which your friendly Government runs and which fuels our International economy.
We’ve set aside hundreds of square miles, a space the size of New Jersey because it IS New Jersey, as a Triffid Preserve. (Don’t worry. We got most of the humans out and living in comfort and style in Brooklyn; they’re happy as hipster clams, smoking cloves and protesting whatever people in Brooklyn protest; we don’t pay much attention.)
(Some of y’all are gonna say I digress to much and my speeches drag in the middle. I don’t care! This news is so good I just gotta draw it out, let it linger, let you an-tici-pate:
We’ve set up a Triffid Preserve.
There’s some good strong walls there. We’ve kept the New Jersey Turnpike—one thing we’ve known for centuries is that it’s important to get THROUGH New Jersey as fast as possible—and built barriers around it, and every border of the former State, so powerful and entrenched that a Mongol horde with atomic tanks couldn’t get through.
(And wouldn’t have to. If anyone knows a horde, Mongol or otherwise, with atomic tanks, please send them our way; we’d like to make a deal.)
Now within this preserve we only put hardened criminals: murderers, drug-dealers, assaulters, people who speak against government policies, human-sacrificers, convicted Triffid offenders, and so forth. So worry not; just keep your nose clean, don’t come to our attention, and you’ll do fine.
Meanwhile, as a good, solid, upstanding, upright, right-speakin’ citizen, YOU reap the benefits. We guarantee this is the BEST Triffid oil, the most SUCCULENT Triffid flesh, the most USEFUL Triffid everything…because our Triffids are completely free range, as God and genetic engineering intended.
They just roam around New Jersey, looking for criminals. Well, THEY don’t know those humans are criminals, but they’re looking for humans, and we only dump human criminals in there. Nobody else is ever allowed in.
Ever.
…and they slap out that big flappy-zappy tonguelike thing, blind ‘em, then they kill them in the normal fashion and settle down to digest them plant-style. Who needs photosynthesis when you’ve got the protein of dissidents?
Hey! Now I know you want to cheer and applaud, but don’t thank me. Just wait for the cheerful jingle of the Triffid-cream man…it’s a hot summer, and you KNOW that Triffid’s the best flavor of ice cream, and also the ONLY flavor permissible by law, for reasons we won’t go into here.
ALL TRIFFID GROWTH IS HEREBY GOVERNMENT REGULATED. THAT MEANS WE’RE GOING TO GROW THE BIGGEST, BEST, STRONGEST ARMY OF TRIFFIDS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! Then we’re gonna EAT ‘em, boil ‘em for fat, convert ‘em into oil in whatever manner that actually happens, a manner of which I am not personally totally aware…and get it straight to YOU!
Yes!
Yes!
We love you, too!
And don’t forget to hug your Triffid today! I mean your cute stuffed animal Triffid, not a real Triffid, since you’d die.
See you next week with more good news!
_________
Hey! “A Goblincore Guide To Life” is free online!
~Jeff Mach
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