Oh, plenty of people have come back just fine from the Bermuda Triangle!
Fine by ME, anyway.
No, seriously, while it IS true we are a religious organization, we’re also a for-profit organization. And that just wouldn’t work if we harmed our customers in any way, would it?
Of course not.
Plus, we always send a team of Paranormal Investigators. Gives it either a scientific or spooky vibe, depending on the team and the folks who go out.
This is THE safest cruise ship on the seas. It’s never accidentally run into an underwater shoal. Pirates stay away from it for…good and sensible reasons learned through experience. We DEFINITELY don’t get attacked by great things from under the Surface with tentacles, fangs, antennae, and a horrible slime exuding from their pores, and IF WE DO, you’ll get some GREAT pictures.
No, I’m sorry, the rumours that we go to Atlantis are completely untrue. First, Atlantis isn’t real. Second, if it WERE real, Plato’s dates don’t match up to the historic or underwater records, AND there’s nothing you know of under the Sea where he claims Atlantis ought to be.
Sorry, sorry, there’s nothing WE know of.
It’s important, with good, personal, human (well, okay, maybe not human; but non-AI) interactions with people (“other people”, I mean, obviously) to manage their expectations. And we just can’t promise Atlantis. Only about one in every six cruises actually ends up there. Where do the rest end up? Well, eventually, in the harbor, right on time, a-ha! Otherwise, you couldn’t embark as the others are disembarking. Don’t mind the wheelchairs. There’s an epidemic of Growing A Tail Instead Of Legs spreading across this region of the Atlantic or Pacific or whatever you call The Great Water over here. Perfectly normal. Plus, not everyone gets it. Lots of people come back looking like you! I mean, not exactly like you. I mean, looking the way they should: normal, slightly suntanned, without preternaturally sharpened teeth or peculiar ears.
Yes, it’s true! Not only are we cheaper AND safer than any other luxury liner out there for a marvelous cruise, we don’t just avoid avoiding the Bermuda Triangle, we go RIGHT through it!
The huge discount? Oh, we’re part of a foundation. When the Day comes and That Which Is Beneath Rises To The Surface, everyone who’s been touched even a little by Dagon’s waves will be part of it. But you really needn’t worry. My own family’s waited a thousand years, and it hasn’t happened yet. Probably won’t happen in your lifetime, and even if it does, to be perfectly honest, I think you’ll enjoy it.
Hunger for it, even.
And there’s a chance…a tiny one, but I live in hope…that we’ll ALL be in GREAT shapes AND get lots of healthy swimming exercise.
Yes, I’m glad you found us, too. Saw the address in an old book in an occult store? Fancy THAT. Why, that’s NEVER happened before. You’ll have to tell me the story when you return.
Enjoy your cruise.
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Hey! “A Goblincore Guide To Life” is free online!
~Jeff Mach
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