Feeding Elves

The Human King gave a great warm smile
With a flourish, he signed the page
He beamed down at young-looking Elf before him
(who was six times his age.)

“It’s marvelous to have you return
To diplomatic affairs.
To concern yourselves with nations,
Their triumphs and their cares.”

“Yes, totally,” the Elf replied.
(He seemed a bit distracted.)
He didn’t seem to care if it was signed
Or utterly redacted.

The Human King tried again.
“We’ve some Elven wine.
Uncorked after a century,
With a feast to drink and dine!”

The Elf almost smiled.
He was almost polite.
His teeth were very sharp.
His teeth were very white.

“Look,” he said wearily.
His voice was not unkind.
“You seem all right, for a Human sort.
So let me ease your mind.”

The Elf leaned back. “From time to time
We inspect the lesser stock.
To make sure you’re breeding healthily,
And run meaty in the hock.”

He went on: “It’s difficult
To keep Mortals from our lands
There are so many magic keys
In so many greedy Mortal hands.

“And since we’re immortal still
This Fairy law’s worth noting:
Of neighbors you can eat your fill
If you survive the voting.”

The Human King did not reply.
His troubles were abecedarian.
He realized the Elves were not, in fact
Apparently vegetarian.

“So thanks for the wine,” the Elf replied,
“And thanks very much for the feast.
But we’re really here in Human lands
To check the quality of your deceased.

“Thriving harvest! Bumper crops!
Good hydration! Carrot tops!
‘Ambassadors’ are our elite;
They’re the ones who inspect our upcoming meat.”

The King was skilled in politics.
No expression from face to toes.
“Very well,” the King replied,
“We’ll eat at your place,
I suppose.”


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.