The Bard Who Tried Not To Bard

Once upon a time, twice upon a time, many many times upon a time but never in this place there lived a Bard.

The Bard tried very hard not to be a Bard. She had attempted to become a Sorceress, but instead of reciting darkling spells of guttural speech in tongues not meant for human mouths, she had a tendency to sing “A Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All” and do a very sharp little two-step.

She attempted to be a Thief. But she never did get the idea that not every Adventurer’s job is a performance. To be perfectly honest, she was great with the picklocks and the pickpocketing and the whole rest of Thievery. But she never did get the hang of the part where you don’t run back into the middle of the room and start taking bows.

She made a very reasonable effort to become a Warrior. She was pretty good at that, as well. So good that she…broke into song. Which was fine! For certain battles! But really, really put a damper on stealth. Also, it turns out that certain opponents are attracted to singing warriors. The less said about the Mermaids, the better.

She tried to become a Chef. She totally succeeded and opened an excellent restaurant, then realized that would be of absolutely no avail while she was adventuring. So that did succeed, technically speaking, but it didn’t do a whole lot to improve her career trajectory.

She worked at being a Druid for a while. She really liked the part where you sing to the trees, and the part where you sing to the birds, and the part where you sing to the giant disembodied mouth that is devouring the Forest and…

Finally, the Bard decided to stop denying her nature and become a Bard.

The next day, the Kingdom outlawed all musical performance, for both combat and other reasons.

So it goes.


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.