Incredibly Unhelpful Magic Items

Rod of Blunders

Item That Would Be Really Useful Only Your Apprentice Stole It To Try To Do Something Powerful And Societally Inappropriate And Now You’re Left With A Broken Item And A Very Guilty-Looking Frog.

Crossbow, +5 Against Anything Immune To Crossbow Bolts

Vorpal Banana Pudding

Tome of Incomprehensibility

Exploding Earrings

The All-Seeing, All-Judging EyeAll judging eye.

Choker of Choking

Suds of Laundry Cleansing

Potion of No Effect Whatsoever

Sorcery of Frightening Lack of Anything Happening

Axe of Magical Precision +3.141526535897932384626433

Nine and A Half Sided Die

Portable Chasm To The Center of the Earth

Helm of Unbelievably Inconvenient Alignment

Unlit Candle of Darkness Cursing

Boots of Pinching

Bigby’s Backscratcher of Itch Increase

The Oil of Aphrodite (leaded)

The Dust of the Grand Wazoo

Girdle of Giant Strength and Even Bigger Dislike of Wearing Girdles

Bow Tie of Choking & Gasping

Potion of Children’s Cough Syrup

World-Devouring Maw of Annihilation

Acerak’s Adorable Kittens

Belly Button of Vecna

Horn of Honking

Flute of Rat Dating

Drums of Elevenness

Phylactery Of Not Being Entirely Sure What A Phylactery Is And Also Being Eaten By Giant Eagles

Crystal Squircle

Lucky Zero-Headed Coin

Ring of Superior Invulnerability (the RING is invulnerable, you see…)

Volcano potion.70,000 League Boots

Iron Teeth of Extreme Veganism

Book of Vaguely Unpleasant Details

Bracers of Ill-Considered Xena Cosplay

Potion of Dropping A Volcano On The Entire Kingdom And Starting Over

Bagpipes of Haggis-Making

Tome of Thoroughly Useless Information

Teddy Bear of Thumb-Sucking

Goblet of Buying Two Drinks And Getting The Third Half Price

Pinky Ring of Being Terribly Gangster

Codex of Things That Are Not Helpfully Organized In A Codex

Djinn Bottle of Wishing You Didn’t Have This Bottle

Clogs of Twerking

Iron Rations of Pure Junk Food

Horn of Blasting the Fourth Wall


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.