Eleven Things To Brag About With Your Future City

11. There are absolutely NO homeless people. That’s because there are no homes. You can’t lack something that doesn’t exist in the first place, can you? The “giant piles of nighttime warmth” are much cheaper.

10. Not everyone is murdered as soon as they set foot out their front door. Many people are murdered at work, in flophouses, in theatres, in fancy hotels… but your front door is usually pretty safe, as long as you avoid the pit trap and the rusty spikes.

9. We have the best Home-cooked meals that money can buy. Granted, “Home” is the capital of our fair land and is over 4700 miles away. So by the time the food reaches us, it’s a tad cold, and might be a bit inclined towards food poisoning. But who would let their prejudices interfere with that?

8. Our Media is thoroughly unbiased. It only ever thinks, acts, speaks, and reports on that which is right and proper. It has no inappropriate bias towards equating insanity with truth.

7. We have increasingly fewer ideas. Thank goodness! Think of all the ideas we had in those wild, wacky, pre-Occurrence times. We never got a chance to digest them. Now, we have far far fewer ideas. Oh, more ideas EXIST, but we’re sufficiently protected from them.

6. Giant Mollusks: Sometimes they eat us, sometimes we eat them, but one gives us protein and the other helps us have a sustainable population. Win-win!

5, Music has gotten a great deal more interesting since the official declaration that there is no such thing as a C#.

4. The number four, as always, continues to be a problem, but at least we can get through it quickly.

3. Imagine the Dark Times when nobody wore mullets!

2. We forgot most of the things we were hoping to remember, but we also forgot what it felt like to feel however we felt before now..

  1. Join us. We may be broken, but we’re broken in predictable ways. Can YOU say that?


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.