(This story is a companion to Evil Expo’s panel discussion, “How To Monetize The End Of The World“. We’d like to remind you that Evil Expo continues to be an actual gathering of intergalactic Villains throughout all of Space and Time, pretending to be an innocuous fan convention. We have no idea how that would work, but attendance is mandatory.)
Villains! Has this ever happened to you? After years, perhaps decades of painstaking labor, you’re finally in a position to destroy the Earth, and you adjust your tie and your battle-tunic and prepare to videocall the World Government to issue your ransom demands…
….only to realize there IS no World Government.
That’s a bit of a problem.
Sure, you could make the demand of a single nation, but what’s the fun in that? You could destroy the WORLD; why should you have to settle for ONE measly country?
Oh, you could try threatening multiple nations individually, but then you’d have to keep track of all those invoices. Is your Doomsday Option even ABLE to destroy just one small bit of the planet? Many of the best options don’t include this particular feature because really, you’ve generally going for overwhelming might, not surgical accuracy. Hurling Asteroid X into a large continent will result not just in massive localized damage, but geo-climactic events which will wipe us all out, just as it did the Dinosaurs. (They should have PAID us, the fools!)
Nukes? Don’t get me started. Humans HAVE nukes. And have you MET humans? Once you demonstrate a technique for making money through using existing weapons of mass kaboom, they will STEAL your idea and then NOT EVEN CREDIT YOU for the universal destruction which ensues.
I know. It’s depressing.
There are several other scenarios, but our time here is short; they’re tracking this signal. Or if they aren’t, they SHOULD be, and we’re going to pretend they’re reasonably effective enemies even if they aren’t, because who really wants to believe that Nemesis comes in idiot-shaped packages? Ergo, we’ll leave some of the other fine points of this discussion for a later time.
It all comes down to this:
Your only real hope is the Secret Real Conspiracy That Secretly Actually Runs The World In Secret.
Oh, we won’t give you any money. But we WILL consider this your application to join. Congratulations on the opportunity. You’ve got some very promising work here, and we’re interested.
Now, there’s the small matter of your application fee…
This was written by our Monster-In-Chief, Jeff Mach, author of “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord“. It’s the companion to his upcoming discussion at this year’s Evil Expo, “How To Monetize The End of The World“. Evil Expo is being held January 24th-26th, in lovely New Jersey, USA; for more information, visit the Evil Expo website.