We, The Terrible

We, the terrible,
the awesomely awful,
the distinctively despicable,
the spectacularly spectral,
the monstrous,

in short,
the Villainous,

would like to take this moment

Let me elaborate:
we would like to take EVERY moment,
every moment,
in the history of the world,
the history of the Universe,
the history of EVERY Universe,
to not apologize.

We are what you named us,
what you made us,
what you called us.

You called forth the monsters
within us;
and we have gifted you with what you wanted;
and that’s more than enough,
more than you deserve,
but less then you will get.

for a limited time,
you can take advantage of this low, low offer:
that we will stoop lower than
you ever thought possible,

commit unspeakabilities
which will never be spoken,
because they probably won’t be survived.

Or maybe we’ll just sit at home and write poetry;
it’s all one, isn’t it?

Once you’ve conveniently convinced yourself
that we have converted
to the converse
of anything kind,

once you’ve decided to be sure
that we are irredeemable,

why would we bother doing dirty deeds,
cheaply or otherwise?

Would you like to know who the REAL monsters are?


I’d love to claim credit, but I cannot.

It wasn’t I who filled every molecule of discourse with allegations of monstrosity, shifting goalposts, and the well-planned, brilliantly-executed destruction of some of the fundamental points of logic. (We’ve known for HOW many thousands of years that you cannot prove a negative? And yet, we now consider it a basic standard of Non-Villainy. It’s a wonder there’s anyone LEFT playing for the other team.)

No, they destroyed the forces which made it possible to figure out who was or wasn’t a Villain, and then they started calling everyone Villains.

All I did was opt out early. Instead of trying to claim I was still a Hero, I took on the mantle of Villainhood.

And that mantle looks great on me.

Try it on. It’ll look great on you.

Don’t take my word for it. Go get a nice dark cloak and work on your evil laugh.

It’s much more fun with the monsters-who-admit-it than the monsters-who-try-to-hide-it-by-calling-everyone-else-monsters.

We’re all monsters, but at least some of us are fun at parties.


Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.