The Realm is plagued with misconceptions and foolish ideas about the Great Wyrms. It is the pleasure of Their Royal Majesties, the King and the Other King, that we set the record straight. Please read this carefully or, if the fair and just laws which govern our land do not permit you to learn to read, have it read to you by someone with reasonable enunciation.
- Dragons aren’t intelligent. Many people have been fooled by the seemingly “wise” eyes of the average Great Lizard. But you never really read ‘intelligence’ in a retina, and you can hardly calculate cognition based on the shape of a cornea. In reality, it’s just a very, very big eyeball, set deep in the socket. You’d feel the same way if you saw a giant squid, although, of course, few of us ever see the latter, unless the beast is dead, since they live far deeper beneath the Earth than man can go. But make no mistake: Dragons are no more intelligent than the Kraken, and the Kraken’s a myth.
- Dragons certainly do not understand language. Every once in a while, you’ll run into some fool who claims that a Dragon ‘spoke’ to him. Or, I should say: a fool if you’re lucky, a charlatan if you’re not. Dragons have, of course, never spoken in front of any sort of reputable witnesses, and those who have used alleged Dragon ‘knowledge’ to make predictions, or to bring forth ‘miracles’ of science or magic, will someday be proven for the frauds they are. It matters not if their strange intrigues have led (for now) to certain temporary advances; we will, someday, discredit the entire disgraceful idea and convict those responsible.
- Dragons don’t eat princesses. Dragons are entirely vegetarian. Certainly, ignorant farmfolk and livestock-tending serfs have claimed Dragons “carried off” a sheep, a goat, a 700-pound prize pig. This is simply a vestigial instinct for the massive pests, retained, no doubt, from their bird-of-prey ancestors. Dragons eat vegetables, and that’s all there is to it. Who are you going to trust—rumour-mongers, or the Royal Society For The Study Of Unwieldy Creatures? Please remember that questioning the Royal Society is cause for summary defenestration.
- Dragons do not ‘mesmerize’ sentient beings. That’s pure tommyrot, through and through. Mind control, in and of itself, is a myth. We are all perfectly-made entities, and our perceptions understand the reality around us and feed that date through our sensory organs and into the lofty palaces which are our minds. No-one can control your mind. Your mind is properly focused on the The Autocrat, The Worship of Appropriate Gods, and your Appropriately Lowly Place In The Universe. To think otherwise would be folly, and will result in the removal of your figgins.
- Dragons don’t stand watch over palaces. What a strange and disturbing idea! Oh, certainly, Great Wyrms are very rare, and yes, it does look like they gather shortly before the birth of a new Princess of the Blood Royal. But since they are, as mentioned, dumb brutes, and they consume only vegetables, they would have no reason to appear near the birth of a Princess, and they certainly have no way of knowing when such a person would be born. The so-called “waiting” Dragons are no more than a statistical clustering. There are a certain number of Dragons in the world; they must needs sometimes be in the same place at the same time; and pure confirmation bias makes you believe the old folk-tale that they’re attracted to the female children of the aristocracy. This is a particularly distasteful thought, in light of the Kingdom’s regrettably high incidence of vanishing among Princesses, which is due to wholly natural causes not yet fully explained
- Dragons practice no dark and forbidden arts of Magick. Magick itself is not real. Dragons are a completely normal part of the ordinary world. The only spiritual power in this world comes from the Official Worship Of His Majesty And His Other Majesty. It is they who make the crops grow and cause the harvest-time to happen. Rumors that Dragons have flown from the Palace walls to mutter incantations beneath the Hovering Moon are punishable by death.
- Dragons have no effect on the Kingdom whatsoever. The Kingdom is totally fine. None of the castle walls have been breached, and anyone who says otherwise shall be pronounced anathema. The Princess has not been carried off, and anyone who says otherwise shall be nailed to the ground. The King and the King are perfectly well and neither have been eaten by Dragons. Do not be fooled by tricks of the light or strange sound effects; these things are a combination of natural forces and the sonic sabotage of rival kingdoms. The Castle has not fallen, all is well, and there is no reason for everyone to jump into the Great Lake and attempt to submerge themselves to avoid dragon fire. Doing so will result in summary execution, as soon as available members of the Guard arrive. There is no truth to the rumours that the members of the Guard have been eaten. Everything is as it always has been. We know this is true. We have centuries of the wisdom of many, many scholars, and they have all concluded that crude, strange creatures like Dragons are wholly unimportant. We have Cancelled all of the Dragons, and none of them exist anymore. They certainly can’t do us any harm, and they certainly can’t eat you. If anyone tells you otherwise, that person is a liar and a fraud. Listen not to their lies, but rather, report them to the Palace immediately, as soon as you can get one of those damn Lizards to spit out the Palace.
Thank you for your cooperation.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
I put on a convention for Villains every February.
I created a Figmental Circus. It’s happening this June. You should go!
