“And The World Laughs With You”

Those FOOLS!

I TOLD them I was a genius, the likes of whom had not been seen on this planet since Tesla or Newton. And they LAUGHED at me, the FOOLS!

I offered them a paradise. I told them that my sentient cybernetic robots would usher in an age of prosperity and plenty. They pointed out that calling a robot “cybernetic” was redundant. I pointed out that, under these circumstances, distributed intelligence algorithms and engineering were more important than grammar. And they LAUGHED at me!

Very well! Revenge is a dish best served by an electronic butler who is also a stone-cold semi-sentient killing machine. So I built robots. So many robots. A vast, unstoppable army of robots.

I sent the world footage of my incredibly strong, incredibly vicious warriors in action. They told me that my special effects were terrible. And THEY LAUGHED AT ME!

Very well! I therefore had my robots build me a formidable fortress on a hidden island. And I announced to the world that my mighty stronghold was unstoppable.

They pointed out that most fortresses are, by their nature, stationary, and have no forward momentum to “stop” in the first place. At this point, I wondered if I was actually getting through to world leaders, or if I was boing foisted off on interns. I forced light to behave in certain ways previously conceived only in certain unspeakable texts, and made myself a suit of invisibility.

I journeyed, in stealth, to the halls of many leaders, unseen by their eyes and (give me some credit, here) undetected by their primitive technologies. And I verified it directly:

They had seen it all, AND THEY WERE STILL LAUGHING.

I considered slaying some of them on the spot, but that would have been illogical; why kill them with my hands, which meant risking my august person, when I had legions of lethal autokinitonic electronic slaves? I’m not a fool.

So to my lair I returned, and I assembled my forces and sent them forth to slay all mankind (myself excluded.)

It took rather a while.

But when it was done, WERE THEY LAUGHING? They were not, BECAUSE THEY WERE DEAD.

It could have ended there.

But scientific research is, by definition, rigorous.

Thenceforth, long did I labor amidst knowledge forbidden. (What covert agency or high-security library could deny me its secrets? None lived to oppose me.) I worked with the skills of a lifetime; for is not necromancy merely another kind of science?

(Nope. It turns out that “necromancy” is actually magic, and my equations were useless But it ALSO turns that out I possess a natural flair for sorcerous workings. Whew!)

After much time, I finally achieved my long-destined goal: I was able to call forth the very spirits of the deceased.


it turns out that, if humans get certain ideas into their heads, they just don’t WANT to dislodge ’em. If they think what you claim is impossible, they might just keep believing it long after you’ve offered them indisputable proof in the form of their own deaths.

And that is how the world was bequeathed to YOU, the Robots, by me, your Overlord. Although I’ve figured it out: maybe I’ll just never be feared. Maybe something about me just doesn’t seem threatening enough. Maybe inspiring laughter is my fate.

And, with that in mind, I’d like to welcome you to my first-ever comedy special, entitled: “I Have An Override Control That Makes You Chortle Uncontrollably And I’m Not Afraid To Use It.”

Okay! Let’s get this thing started! First off:

We got any Robots in the house?

~Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

I put on a convention for Villains every February.

I created a Figmental Circus. It’s happening this June. You should go!






Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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