Orcish Wisdom

“Orcish skulls are much too thick,”
Adventurers complain.
They mean: weapons bounce, instead of stick
And they hate that there’s so much brain.

___

The knowledge of Orcs is, as I’ve discussed elsewhere, contained within an oral condition. I thought I’d write down a little bit of it for you, and I’ve translated it into the common tongue.  Don’t worry; it’s an accurate translation.

Trust me.

Would a Villain lie?

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Some of the Accumulated Wisdom of the Orcs,
as collected by The Dark Lord

  • Hobbit goes best with a playful White Zinfandel
  • Training pet Wargs requires love, care, and an extensive first-aid kit
  • If a Human gives you a gift, throw it away—the gift, and the Human.
  • Sunlight burns, but the fluorescent lighting in shopping malls is really tacky.
  • Not every Orc beats drums in the Deep. Some also play bass.
  • If the wagon’s wobblin’, check for Goblins.
  • Your head is good for smashing through problems. If you can’t apply the outside part, use the inside part.  In many situations, you’ll want both.
  • Trust Fairy-Tales as much as you would trust Fairies, which is about as far as you can throw them if you wad them up into a ball and have a good throwin’ arm.
  • If you can’t eat it, it’s probably not important.
  • To stay healthy, you need to consume more green. Try drinking an Elf.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger battleaxe.
  • Only blood buys freedom.
  • I know the thing the human gave you is shiny, but I think your hair is falling out.
  • It’s not a random mutation, it’s the Gods gifting you with a second head so you can be twice as ugly in one lifetime.
  • Floss your favorite tusk.
  • The Unicorn’s a pretty beast, and it won’t rest ’til you’re deceased. Don’t deal with them, and never barter. They’re like Humans…only smarter.  So they’re vicious as bandages rubbed in salt. And whatever they do—they’ll claim it’s your fault.
  • Many things you encounter will assume that because you’re unsightly, you’re also unwise. Don’t disabuse them of this notion until after you’ve made off with their gold, and removed their condescension.
  • It’s not impossible that those Humans really are your friends. It’s just historically unlikely. They stopped trying to make “friends” with us when they realized we wouldn’t play “fetch”.
  • The Gods gave Orcs our flesh and bone; and made our lives a grinding stone. Then they went off to annoy the Elves; so our sharpening, we must do ourselves.
  • Take good care of your Dark Lords. If someone breaks them, it’s damn hard to get another one.
  • Ah. That shiny thing was nasty, wasn’t it? You will be missed. And the leading cause of death in Orcs continues to be, as it always has been, Trusting Humans.

~Jeff Mach

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If there isn’t such a thing as Villainpunk, we should invent it.  Click here to find out more about Evil Expo, the Convention for Villains.

If you’d like to read about, and probably not be eaten by, several copies of, my darkly satirical fantasy novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN,” click here.

To visit the darkness on the edge of town, click here.

 

Jeff Mach Written by:

“There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord” is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. If you'd like to meet Jeff Mach, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, you should come to Jeff's new event, Evil Expo.

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