Elvish Precepts

“It’s a perfect day here in Elf-land. It’s always a perfect day in Elf-land. They’ve regulated their weather so that it’s exactly what they all like.

I’d ask how they all have similar tastes, but I have a fairly good guess. They say that Faeries steal human children and replace them with their own offspring, but if you’ve ever met any Elves, you know that’s insane. I’m pretty sure what happens is they leave humans the offspring they don’t like, and then the humans that they take—

You know, I don’t really want to speculate on that at all.”

~The Chosen One, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN

  • Keen are the eyes of the Elves; the better to see you with. Ask not about the sharpness of our teeth, and what it implies.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; if they don’t initially perceive it, stab their eyes.
  • A true friend is so precious a treasure that you really oughtn’t eat all of it at once. Save some for later; it’s even sweeter that way.
  • The cure for boredom is curiosity. The cure for curiosity is vivisection.
  • Read carefully the wisdom of your elders; how else will you someday supplant them in a night of horror and blood?
  • Be unafraid to take part in the rat race; how lovely it is to see them scurrying about, and how hilarious the moment when they suddenly realize you’re the cat.
  • The thing we learn from history is that no-one’s history really matters except our own, and our own history books are really rather unexciting compared to the pleasures of the mirror.
  • Part of living a meaningful life is learning how to open up your heart. The technical details aren’t that important; the hard bit is going out and rounding up hearts which you can claim as your own. After that, it’s mostly a matter of sharpening one’s carving tools properly.
  • If you’ve run a comb through your hair a thousand times today, chide yourself for being unambitious; you’re less than halfway there. Do you want to look like a mortal, idiot?
  • Never be afraid to ask questions, as long as you do so silently, in your own head, and those questions are, “Where the HELL did she get that dress, and by the sixteen demons of the lesser Abyss, WHY?”
  • The only thing that matters in life is happiness. Well, pleasure. Well, your pleasure. At this particular moment. And then in the next moment. And then in the next. Again, this is why one permits mortal species to live; they’re so damned amusing.
  • Study our proverbs closely. Very closely. Closer than that. Just keep studying; this dagger is terribly sharp, and if I do say so myself, it took an extraordinary knowledge of anatomy, on my part, to strike a fatal blow which would permit you just enough time to finish admiring this writing.
  • This is the line that you won’t read, because you’re dead now. But I did want to thank you for the locket; I always thought it would look better on me than on you, and now I’ll have the opportunity to find out. I promise that whenever I wear it, I’ll think of you; it will remind me to check, and see if anyone’s found the bodies yet.

-Jeff Mach


The unspeakable Villainpunk Jeff Mach frequently seeks new, interesting ways to rewrite this part, and then often ends up just shifting a few words around, going back in time to before he wrote this initially, and hitting “Publish”, so that this is technically new. Don’t tell anyone.

Jeff is a writer and creator who has long aspired to be the sort of person who neither needs to promote his other work at the bottom of his short stories, nor need speak of himself in the third person. Sadly, in both regards, he has failed.

If there isn’t such a thing as Villainpunk, we should invent it.  Click here to find out more about Evil Expo, the Convention for Villains.

If you’d like to read about, and probably not be eaten by, several copies of, my darkly satirical fantasy novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN,” click here.

To really understand why the stars are made of green cheese, click here.


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

Comments are closed.