In The Back Of My Laboratory

In the back of my laboratory,
Safely locked,
Is where the things I oughtn’t do
are neatly stacked and stocked;

clockwork robots, dangerously overclocked,
When all good and decency might need to be mocked,
when a planet’s orbit is ready to be rocked⁠—
I know where all my worst ideas
are docked.

The high April moon
Has a sneering face;
I’ve half a mind to fire a rocket
and see the thing replaced
By a hunk of rubble that can’t even draw a tide…

And that’s when I take a deep breath
and go back inside.

In the back of my laboratory,
are webs which could make the Universe
entirely undone;

alternate physics, where your rules won’t apply
sneering Aliens, who all our laws defy
and Pandora’s Hopelessness, which will never die;
I could open up that door,
I’d barely need to try.

I’m usually not that mad a scientist.
The urge to crush things is one
I frequently resist.

But today I feel exceedingly betrayed;
and my better nature appears
to have been mislaid

and in the back of my lab,
a part of me dwells
That wouldn’t mind sending certain people
to seven special Hells.

I’ll keep on building things
of which I can be proud
But sometimes my darker self
is exceedingly loud.

In the back of my laboratory,
screaming for more
an army of clones redoubles,
like infinite spoor,
Like The Hound of the Baskervilles,
howling on the Moor;
if I need, I can find my evil twin;
I’ll just open the door…


~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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