An Ode To The Cocktail Umbrella

About my cocktail,
before you begin it,
kindly put an umbrella in it.

In fact, make me two
(please, kindly, twin it)—
But before that,
put an umbrella in it.

And don’t forget a cherry on top,
and maybe something from the banana crop,
and even if you add something from the poison shop,
please put that umbrella on top.

And muddle it with
some fresh mint,
for though my heart be made of flint,
And my conscience needs a splint,
I still appreciate muddled mints,
and mint.

Oh: and set the thing all aflame.
Pretend the mistakes are a game.
If it can’t burn me, it’s too tame.
Add some high-proof Absinthe
and low-budget flame.

And serve it in an enemy’s skull.
The whole damn thing is surely null
if the flavor of Death’s not bountiful.
With trepanation, smash the hull
and pour the thing into that skull.

Thank you.

And now that my drinks are complete,
I think I’ll have a bite to eat.
Since my enemies are in retreat,
I’ll have one of them,
with some pommes frites.
Pro tip:
Whoever runs slowest, and is least fleet,
has, I have found
the juiciest meat.



~Jeff Mach

The preceding poem was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.