Code of the Shocking Pink Illuminatus

(to be read with closed eyes)

Never surrender your Transylvanian soul.

They have the money, the power, the logic; theirs are the guns, the less interesting beer, the sense of utter conviction, and the light of day.

But we have the Mad Science.

We draw the blood of destiny. We autograph madness. We scribble in the margins of the books of Fate.

We are the professionals.

We are the grand meddlers.

We hum thoughtcrime in barbershop quartets; we throw open the vast doomgate of Things Best Left Unknown; we penetrate the great telepathic obscenities of salad (if you use Russian Dressing, you are one of THEM! Be warned: we know where you hide your tuba.)

We are concealed, but we are by no means gone; subtle, but strong.

Let them control What Is.

We are the caretakers of What Might Be.

Jeff Mach


If you know me, then you know that I’m always working. That’s not a brag or a complaint. It’s my long-stated desire in life to basically work as much as possible, create as much as possible, slowing down as needed (because the Law of Diminishing Returns says that if you never, ever stop working, you will have a reduction in the quality and quantity of what you do. I therefore rest and take breaks so that I can go back and work more

Seriously. Not a brag. It’s not how everyone should live. It’s just how I do. Some circumstances in life saw the end of my 13-year relationship with my now ex-husband, and my splitting away from many very large social groups. People thought trying to exile me, alone with nothing but my work, would be a punishment, and I hope the idea catches on; if there’s a Hell, and I go there, I’m hoping they’ll use the same tactic:


And I’ll be good.  I won’t ruin his day. I promise I’ll play along. I promise I’ll say, “Yessir, Mister Devil, Sir, you sure got me good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have words to make…”

I’m going away for a few days. I’ll still be working, but not at this screen; I think it will be my first time being away from this keyboard for more than 18 hours in…almost two years.

I thought I’d leave you with something I wrote a long time ago, something a little silly, and also, something I take seriously.

Consider it some baby Villainpunk, if you’d like.

This is “There and Never, Ever Back Again”, a blackly satirical fantasy novel I wrote from the point of view of a Dark Lord. You can get it on Amazon.

This is me on Twitter – I’m @darklordjournal.

And this is Evil Expo, the original Villainpunk Convention. You should go!


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

Comments are closed.