There are streets in Skara Brae that simply refuse to end. You turn left, you turn right, you consult the map, you threaten the map, and somehow you’re still on the same cobblestones, staring at the same suspicious-looking alley that was supposed to lead somewhere useful three hours ago.
Dungeon Doggerel works the same way.
I keep writing these little rhyming monstrosities—half love letter, half culinary review, half pure spite, 3/ths terrible addition, all directed at things that refuse to stay properly dead or properly edible—and every time I think I’ve finished the series, another one crawls out of the darkness, looks at me with glowing eyes, and demands to be versified.
The Dracolich is still stronger than I am. The Frost Giant still looks distressingly like a savory popsicle. The Gargoyle remains, against all culinary advice, a terrible candidate for boiling.So here we are again: more Dungeon Doggerel, more undead jealousy, more questionable recipes for things that used to sit on castle roofs and glare.
If you’ve wandered these particular endless streets before, welcome back. If this is your first time getting lost among the rhymes and the ruin, well… the exit was behind you three stanzas ago. Enjoy the scenery. Try not to get eaten. Or, if you do get eaten, at least demand to be properly marinated first.
The Dracolich
I will admit that the Dracolich
Makes this undead sorcerer twitch
Not from fear. Not intimidation
Just pure jealousy and frustration.
Makes this undead sorcerer twitch
Not from fear. Not intimidation
Just pure jealousy and frustration.
Human Liches, with few exceptions
Greet endless life with poor receptions
We’re week and fumble and very ancient
We’ve grown very old while being very patient
Greet endless life with poor receptions
We’re week and fumble and very ancient
We’ve grown very old while being very patient
Dracoliches, damn their eyes
Are still strong, and of great size
They have forever to gain sorcerous power
It makes me want to pout and glower.
Are still strong, and of great size
They have forever to gain sorcerous power
It makes me want to pout and glower.
…they have terrible breath, though,
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Giant of Frost
Look, I wish to nibble a Giant of Frost
And I care not about the cost
For one thing, they once held me in slavery
For another thing, they’re like popsicles….but really savory.
And I care not about the cost
For one thing, they once held me in slavery
For another thing, they’re like popsicles….but really savory.
Gargoyle
Sometimes you eat the monster
Sometimes the monster eats you.
Here’s a hint about the Gargoyle:
They are absolutely horrible to boil.
Sometimes the monster eats you.
Here’s a hint about the Gargoyle:
They are absolutely horrible to boil.
Should you butcher a gargoyle
Soak none of it in any oil
The only way to get any flavor that isn’t hated
To make sure it’s thoroughly marinated.
Soak none of it in any oil
The only way to get any flavor that isn’t hated
To make sure it’s thoroughly marinated.
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I’d suggest popping over to, oh, About That Mask — Jeff Mach Writes
