(An Apology For Non-Accountability in Fantasy Poetry)
There’s something about us fantasy writers
Which makes some of us think that we’re poetic blighters.
Perhaps it’s because we’ve an alibi:
“Who wrote that poem? O, surely not I!
It’s a ‘Song of the Orcs‘ or ‘The Saga of Elves‘;
We’d surely never write this stuff ourselves“.
For we know ‘real’ poets sound like Shakespeare and Parker,
While this sounds more like a carnival barker.
Is the cadence wrong? Do the rhymes kinda thud?
Do we awkwardly squeeze in a reference to blood?
The fault isn’t ours. We just pull the wagons;
The drivers are Goblins and Hobbits and Dragons.
So if this poem’s terrible, please don’t be haters.
Do not blame me. It’s the fault of drunk Satyrs.
* * *
A Considerate Note To Interlopers
Be careful in your Dungeon Delving
Or you might end up Dungeon Shelving.
* * *
This, friends, is the Unicorn:
Eyes that sparkle,
Hearts of thorn.
* * *
If you like your dungeon littered leastly,
Gelatinous cubes are your go-to beasties.
It’s true that their diet’s quite implausible
But they’ll eat anything,
fanged, horned, or clawsible.
I like my trapdoors neatly oiled
I like adventurers lightly boiled
I like my Spheres Annihilatory
And my endings fairly gory.
Wouldn’t your life be boring and dull
If your island wasn’t shaped like a skull?
Adventurers just won’t come calling
If your geography’s not appalling.
Consumer confidence starts eroding
If your abode is not foreboding.
Adventurers love treasure, and they love fighting
But most of all, they love dramatic lighting.
So get you a Castle of Doomity Doom,
And mount it on top of The Horrific Tomb,
Or else – and fear this fate, Dread Lord:
You’ll have no one to kill
- Healthy lifestyle
Greens are important. So if your budget’s spent,
You can save on veggies by eating an Ent.
To Adventurers bold and brave:
You should come visit the Back of the Cave!
We’ve got great reviews (every one is a rave!)
And you’ve got the nutrients we crave.
Here’s my novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.
And here’s Evil Expo, the Convention for Villains.