To the fortunate recipient of this missive:
Congratulations!
Your son/daughter/wife/husband/relative/pal is a hero! They have been commended for acts of bravery vastly above and beyond the norm, and bear in mind that once you are cleared to hear what they did, you’ll want to break open a Jereboam of champagne. In fact, why not stop by your local wine shop and pick one up now?
Oh, and totally, 100% alive. Absolutely. Very, very, very alive, healthy, kicking, swinging, all the things living people do? Your loved one is definitely up to all that.
Secretly.
You see, the Dark Lord is incredibly insidious. Yes, of course, as you’ve heard, she’s dead, very dead, completely dead. But she’s tricky, and she might rise from the grave at any moment.
We’ve therefore decided to take the entire army and put it under the strictest of secrecies.
Our wisest generals, our most talented scouts, and our most powerful Wizards have cloaked the entire Army in a vast, moving Undetectability Shield. The enemy will never know where we are!
You won’t either, but you don’t have to. All you have to know is that everyone is safe, everything is good, and we have completely won.
Oh, and if the Dark Lord sends some sorts of emissaries in your direction, claiming to have defeated the army? Just tell the emissaries that you’re much too smart to be fooled by the sad remnants of her forces, attempting to pretend she still exists to extort and threaten good, honest people.
Of course, if you’re good, honest people, you won’t talk to them in the first place.
So you may not hear from your brave warriors for a while. But rest assured that they’re safe and sound! Break out the celebratory wine, and very soon, we’ll be sending an entire caravan of bread and a couple of very amusing circuses in your direction.
Everything is excellent. Trust us.
Very sincerely yours,
Your Loving Rulers & Their Wise White Wizard Counsellors
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