(So lately, I’ve been taking my copy of Robert Anton Wilson’s “Everything Is Under Control”, his massive, 25-year-old encyclopedia of ‘conspiracies, cults, and cover-ups”, and I’ve opened to a random page and written about that. How is it working for you? Email me at jeffreypetermach@gmail.com.
RAW is probably best known for co-authoring the cult classic (and very massive) Illuminatus Trilogy. If you haven’t read it, go read it…no, seriously, it’s somewhat famous, but still one of the most underrated scifi books, along with John Brunner’s “Stand On Zanzibar”, which is obscure even though it won a Hugo award. I guess there are disadvantages to writing a book that long, which is why all of my Dark Lord books, even the longer ones, aren’t THAT long.
Anyway, on to the story.)
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Hello, and welcome to your new home in Area 51!
You’ll find your stay absolutely captivating, which is good, given that you’re in exile from your home planet. Which is…I forget, remind me?
…whew! I can’t pronounce that. Mind if I just call it “Venus” like other Earthlings do?
Don’t worry. We understand they cast you out because your tribe (it feels weird to refer to a population of eight billion people as a ‘tribe’, but we’re sensitive here, and we’ll use the words you give us to describe yourself) has religious compunctions against AI, and you used it to design a better warp drive. It’s a good thing you did here, because you got to Earth. What do your people call Earth? …oh, I can’t pronounce that either. What would it be?
“Loser’s Planet”? Ouch. Well, there’s no losing here, just good times! We have billiards, TV with premium everything, deluxe meals of whatever you eat—what? You eat whole cows? Oh, that’s a bonus!
All we ask of you is that occasionally you fly this disc-shaped antigravity copter (thanks to the Martians for giving us antigravity and the Ancient Aliens for coming back and giving us the warp drive. If only the public knew, they’d be so happy and excited! Or terrified and riot in the streets. Most of our administrators think it’s the former, which is why this is secret. But let’s just say the accommodations are deluxe and we’ll alter your room, meals, and recreation to whatever you want. Oh, you can breathe oxygen, but you prefer mustard gas and are excited to sample it as one of our planet’s famed delicacies. Um. Okay. We’ll get that piped into your room, and install a second door, as we actually don’t like that stuff.
Yes, I know we’re weird. Get used to it, my friend.
Anyway, just take this antigravity flying disc. You press that button right there, and it sends out a beam to pull up anything underneath. It’s commonly used by our cow-eating friends, and nobody believes a farmer over a bunch of people with doctorates and a PR division. Just don’t press that button HERE, as we’re right over several tons of concrete and—
(Splat.)
SUPERVISOR’S NOTE: Lost another pair—space alien AND guide. I would give up on Venusians, only they still claim to have the Philosopher’s Stone, and they make the BEST bagels. We did keep the bagels, right?
Good, good. Harry, why don’t you take the nice lady from the Orion nebula? Watch for the tentacles—she’s a brilliant mathematician, but she can sometimes get a little touchy-feely. Keep your eyes open and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Have a great day, team!
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For more of my writing, just poke around this website and check out the archives! There’s almost a thousand pieces on this site!
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