(This is part two. See more at Fantasy sci-fi pickup lines for imaginary creatures and characters Archives — Jeff Mach Writes.)
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because the way your impact crater is currently destabilizing three nearby kingdoms and opening a rift to the Ninth Hell makes me think you’re either an angel or the best apocalyptic event I’ve had all millennium.”
“Are you a hyperspace jump? Because one look at you and my entire star system just got rearranged, my navicomputer blue-screened, and I’m suddenly very okay with never finding my way home again.”
“Forgive me if this is forward, but you must be the chosen one prophesied to bring balance to the Force… because my dark side is currently experiencing an extremely undignified urge to write you bad poetry and offer you half my evil empire.”
“They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but clearly they’ve never met a girl who can make a lich’s phylactery feel suddenly optional. Care to make this undead heart beat again for a night?”
“Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for across twelve lifetimes, three galaxies, and one very confused dungeon core that keeps spawning mimic dating profiles in your likeness.”
“If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Preferably while we’re both floating weightless in the observation deck of my repurposed Death Star–style moon base, listening to the screams of my enemies in the distance.”
“You must be made of mithril and dark matter, because you’re rarer than either, twice as beautiful, and I’m pretty sure touching you would rewrite the laws of physics in extremely pleasant ways.”
“I’m not saying I’m a god, but I did once move mountains, raise the dead, and conquer three continents before breakfast. Still, none of that compares to the way you just made this ancient, evil heart skip several centuries.”
“Are you a black hole? Because time slows down when I look at you, everything else gets pulled in, and I’m suddenly very enthusiastic about spaghettification if it happens in your general direction.”
“My love for you is like a level 20 wizard trying to cast Wish — incredibly powerful, slightly desperate, and very likely to backfire in the most spectacularly romantic way possible.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from the sky? Because judging by the crater, the collateral damage to three villages, and the way my inner dragon is currently purring, I’d say you’re worth every single insurance claim.”
“You’re like the perfect fusion of elven grace and rogue AI sentience: impossibly beautiful, dangerously intelligent, and almost certainly going to ruin my perfectly evil plans in the best possible way.”
“If beauty were time, you’d be eternity. If eternity were a weapon, you’d be the one I’d point at every boring timeline that doesn’t end with you in my obsidian throne room wearing nothing but starlight and a wicked smile.”
“I used to think the highest form of conquest was ruling galaxies. Then I saw you, and now my strategic priority list has exactly one item: convince the terrifyingly attractive mortal/semi-divine/celestial being in front of me to let me buy them a drink before the heat death of the universe gets here.”
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As told to Jeff Mach
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