13 Ways To Tell If You’re Actually A Villain

  1. You’re currently holding the bearer of these questions high in the air, grasping them by their throat, screaming “If? IF?!?
  2. You believe that pain is the second-best teacher. You have no intention of telling anyone who the best teacher is; who needs the competition?
  3. The worst nightmare of your nightmares is being your nightmare.
  4. You make your Bloody Marys, not with real blood (that would be kinda cool) but with ketchup, and then you invite everyone over for brunch.
  5. You eat brunch.
  6. A bunch of idiots wearing masks and tights and calling each other by the most idiotic nicknames are perpetually running after you, shouting something about bringing you to justice, foiling your fiendish schemes, or returning their lawnmower. Sometimes all three.
  7. Your pet’s name is Rover, and he’s just the cutest, squishiest, most adorable Sphere of Annihilation ever.
  8. King cobras often bite you, not because they dislike you, but because they’re hoping to up their venom game.
  9. When you realize it’s the end of the world, you get slightly jealous that you didn’t start it.
  10. So you foil the evil plan in progress because YOUR evil plan is WAY, WAY BETTER.
  11. The last time you went down to the grocery store for a quart of milk, you ended up with the contents of the cash register, the watches and jewelry of the other patrons, and the sound of their lamentations wailing in your hear.
  12. Your “To Do” list starts with “First, steal one ‘To Do’ list…”
  13. You understand that friendship is the greatest treasure of all, which is why you stole all of it, locked it in a massive pirate chest, and buried it on a deserted island, just to be on the safe side.

~Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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