Vaguely Risque Monster Poems

The Princess said, “Daddy, I want a pony.”
The King obligingly got her an Oni.
The Princess said, “Daddy, it wants to marry!”
The King gave it all the gold it could carry.

* * *

Date a Bakemono?
That’s a no-no.
I don’t care how good they are with the tongue;
Don’t date anyone who eats their young.
* * *
If you look at Tiamat
And your response is, “I’d hit that,”
I recommend consulting a tribe of Psychiatric Wizards
To work on your attraction to Lizards.

* * *

The Green Knight told mighty Gawain,
“I’ll tell you once, and won’t say it again;
We must battle nude!”
Gawain said, “Dude,
I’m only here for the cocaine.”
* * *
The gigantic dragon Bahamut
Is very Lawful Good, but but–
I’ll tell you this (I’ll tell you what)
You don’t want to be there when he busts a nut.
* * *
Morgan LeFay
Is kinda gay
For Nimue
(or so they say.)
* * *
Kobolds build quite clever traps
But you’ll want to avoid the one who raps.
Even though his music slaps,
Halfway through, he usually naps.
* * *
If you smooch a Pteranodon,
I’ll have to ask what drugs you’re on.
And in making love, you’ll get low rating
(Unless you’re good at aerial mating.)
* * *
The Arkan sonney is a marvelous pig,
So watch the path you’ve taken.
It’s a Faerie creature with Faerie friends
Don’t treat it like bacon.
Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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