“There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN” – Book Excerpt

The back cover of "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord", Jeff Mach's savagely satirical epic fantasy novel



“There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN”, our unreasonably nefarious and darkly satirical first novel, is out RIGHT NOW!  You can buy Jeff Mach’s new book RIGHT HERE!

Stay tuned for updates!  You can follow the book and its general monstrosity @darklordjournal on Twitter or, if you like the Book of Faces for some weird reason, follow The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

On How To Win Friends and
Enemies, And Then Kill Them

Since this appears to be the moment at which The Chosen One
is gathering her band of stout-hearted, deathwish-possessing colleagues, it might be a good time to talk about alliances.

(How they flock to her now, guided by the reputation of the
sage at her side. It’s very dramatic that they’re all risking death, of
course. On the other hand, in your ordinary medieval-era culture,
the average lifespan is about 40. There’s a reason Beowulf wasn’t
particularly planning on a long retirement.)

Still, who would possibly dare to step forward in front of a multitude and promise that they’ll put their lives on the line to uphold ultimate good? Anyone who likes parades, getting laid, and having drinks bought for them in taverns, that’s who.

It would be cynical to say that the White Wizard gathers allies
because he wants to be surrounded by admirers. It would also
leave out the fact that he likes to be surrounded by an abundance
of meat shields in case something goes wrong.

In contrast to the Wizard’s widespread appeal, it’s sometimes
said that Dark Lords care and are cared about by none but them
selves. That is primarily a discussion for later, but it does open a
few pestiferous questions that the forces of Light tend to leave out
of their calculations on a distressingly regular basis. Starting with:

How in the Eleven Hells would that even work?

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.