Seven Fairy Tales Of The Year 2235

  1. These three little Martians build huts out of straw, wood, and brick (respectively). A big bad Wolf comes by and threatens to huff and puff and blow their houses in, but there’s almost no air on Mars, and not only can the wolf neither huff nor puff, he asphyxiates.
  2. An Owl and a Pussycat set off for sea in a beautiful pea-green boat. As the Curse of Dagon began to take effect, their two bodies intermingled until, yowling, the Beast of Hoot-Meow sank menacingly into the depths…
  3. Jack Sprat could eat no fat, and his wife could eat no lean. That’s because both had tasted Impossible Fat and Impossible Lean, and now neither one would even consider returning to the inferior flavors of real meat.
  4. Once, there was a duckling which all the other ducklings considered to be ugly and unattractive. It turns out that the duckling had merely failed to update. After they’d updated her properly, she looked just like all the others, which is right and proper.
  5. There were once some bad, wicked, naughty children who believed in the existence of a fairy tale known as ‘number five’. The number ‘five’ has never existed and does not exist. Much as those children do not exist. There is no number five. Are we clear on this point? Good.
  6. A young man sold the family cow in exchange for magic beans. His mother threw the beans out the window and they took root and grew into a giant beanstalk. The young man, Jack, climbed the beanstalk and was never seen again.
  7. This brother and sister were sent into the Woods to find their fortune and were nearly devoured by a Witch. The sister was rebellious in spirit and found herself consumed; but the brother was modest and quiet and seldom questioned his elders and betters, and was eventually rescued due entirely to an excess of filial piety.
  8. If we weren’t supposed to love the robots who write these things, we wouldn’t have made them so much smarter than we are and so darn cute.

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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