Some Things Faeries Regret About Entering The Mortal Lands

Many Fae are reluctant to enter the Mortal places. Some of this is because Mortals are large and loud and clumsy and uncouth. Some of it is is because in the Mortal realms, you can die, which is a really, really terrible idea. If you could stay in Faerie lands, not talk to idiots, and not have to die, you’d probably chose that over pushing yourself painfully through some tacky little mirror, making yourself known to Mortals, avoiding being trapped in a Circus (HOPEFULLY. THIS time)…and going about whatever mission Tatiana’s inflicted upon you.

Nevertheless, it’s entirely possible to entice Faries into the mortal world by either annoying them or pleasing them. That is, if they’re around, annoy them. Leave out liverwort and paper-pressed thyme, and they’ll REALLY get annoyed. Then they’ll stick around just to piss yhou off.

Or leave out sugar and whiskey. This will make them feel poitively towards them, but it will not make them friendly. Be honest: would bacon and whiskey make YOU friendly?

But it doesn’t matter if they’re friendly or not. They’re here to do a job. And here are few of the things that annoy them:

  • They’re going to die. I mean, everyone in mortal lands dies. So every ambassadorship to human realms is death.
  • They grow four extra wings. Ordinarily seraphim and Faeries look very little alike; but spend a couple days in Mortal lands, and soon your body will start generating extra wings to cover up the sheer embarrassment
  • They have to pretend Elvis is dead. Which is terribly depressing.
  • They have to deal with mortals.
  • They have to deal with each other.
  • People keep writing about them.

Nevertheless, the Queen commands, and the Fae obey. Many of them ripped through a rather large portal in the 1970s. Most of them got work in academia. Most of those bitter supernatural creatures, formerly immortal and now condemned to death, are providing you with most of the information you take in about your reality.

I bet, thinking about it, this doesn’t surprise you in the least.


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.