Thirteen Rejected Fairytale Concepts

13. Snow White and the 7 Hard-Drinkin’, Hard-Smokin’, Extremely Masculine Gay Dudes On A 1970s “Iron John” Retreat Where They Spend The Entire Time Refusing To Let Her In Their Tree House

12. The Red Shoes Which Make You Dance Uncontrollably And Also Form Words In The Air, Making Them Simultaneously The “Read” Shoes, And If You Think That’s Funny, We Can Probably Get You Help.

11. The Pyrrhuloxia Who Would Peck Your Eyes Out If You Got Her Name Wrong

10. The Gingerbread-And-Arsenic Man

9. The Three Little Pigs and The Hundreds Of Carnivores Which Tried To Eat Them And Eventually Succeeded

8. Goldilocks and the Ominous, Increasingly Small Circle Of Sharks

7. Hansel, Gretel, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover, and the Snozzberry Tree

6. The Emperor’s New Cursed Battle Armor

5, The Elves and the Shoe Reseller Who Didn’t Understand Certain Nuances Of International Copyright Law

4. Jack and the Military-Industrial-Beanstalk Complex

3. The Pied Piper of a City Uncomfortably Close To Where You Live

2. The Napping Person Who Woke Up, Took One Good Look Around, And Went Right Back To Sleep.

  1. The Princess and the Radioactive Isotope.


NOTE: All references to “Jack” are with the kind permission of the Department of Reassuring Fairytales That Fairytales Aren’t Real While Simultaneously Insisting On Overseeing Most Of What You Do With Them”, without whose kind assistance, we wouldn’t have a blog.


“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.