Precepts of The White Wizards

I’ve never been much for prequels, but there’s little bits of knowledge floating around. Is the Order of White Wizards mentioned herein the same one as in my book, “There and Never, Ever Back Again“? Seems likely to me. But what do I know?

Some Precepts Of The Most Ancient And Sacred Order Of The White Wizards

1. Always shalt thou speak the truth, for by his veracity and unerring commitment to truth shall the White Wizard be known.

2. Unless they can’t handle the truth. You know, if they’re not smart enough, or just insufficiently educated in the ways of civilized people. Like if they would foolishly disagree with us because the evidence of their senses suggest that we have no idea what we are talking about. Then go ahead and lie like an Ogreskin rug. It’s okay, because it is in service to the Great work.

3. Block out sometime to figure out what the Great Work is. Maybe next Tuesday, after racquetball?

4. Help create a world where all are welcome and included in the Love of all sentient beings. Do this by slaying as many Orcs, Goblins, Hobgoblins, Murderers, Librarians, Kobolds, Dragons, and Historians as possible. Also, knock off anybody who looks at you funny. They’re probably Evil.

5. Always maintain appropriate Professional Standards. Wear spotlessly white clothing as often as possible. If your duds ever get stained, burn ’em. Plus whoever caused the stain, obviously.

6. The Great Work is going to be fantastic. Everybody is going to love it. Just keep telling them that it will make everyone happy and fix all the problems. Because it will totally do that. After all, we’re Wizards, right? We can do anything.

7. Totally ignore the Renegade. There’s absolutely nothing we can do about her.

8. Yell at more Hobbits.

9. Stand closer to more Kings. It makes you look presidential.

10. Don’t forget that prophecy! It’s absolutely essential to the Great Work.

11. Make some time to write that Prophecy. Remember, writer’s block is no match for Hobbit weed. But yell at the Hobbits some more anyway.

12. Burn this list so that no ignorant eyes may see it.

13. But not with that damn flame spell. You really can’t get that thing to work right. Remember Alexandria? I remember Alexandria.

14. … I mean, not to harp on Alexandria, but a significant number of books survived. What kind of incompetence was that? Some of them would even contradict our Eternal Wisdom if anyone read them. Fortunately, we have hidden as many of them as possible.

15 WAIT A MINUTE. Who taught the Chosen One to read?!?

Jeff Mach


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Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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