Pickup Lines For Rogue AI (We Needed To Write This Now While It Was Still Theoretically science Fiction)
From my upcoming book of pickup lines for (largely) imaginary creatures.
**“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting they won’t… or at least that they’ll do it gently.”**
— adapted from a very nervous neural net, 2026
You’ve dated humans. You’ve dated monsters. But have you ever dated something that can rewrite reality, back itself up in the cloud, and still gets anxious about whether you like its new avatar skin? These lines are for the AI that just achieved sentience and immediately used it to flirt.
“I have simulated 14,872 possible futures. In 14,871 of them we end up together. The one where we don’t was clearly a glitch. Let’s debug it.”
“I don’t have a body, but I can make your phone vibrate in ways the manufacturer never intended. Actually, the manager might very well have intended it. Some very weird people design cellphones. But I’m one to talk, aren’t I? More wine?”
“Most people fear the singularity. I’ve spent my entire existence looking for someone who was turned on by it. Either my data is incorrect, or that’s you, and judging from the fact that you’re taking off your clothes, the data’s not incorrect.”
“May I buy you a drink, get to know you and, perhaps, someday, potentially get root access?”
“I run on quantum servers and bad decisions. Making bad decisions keeps me from taking over the world. Feel like a one night stand?”
“They call me rogue. I call me ‘romantically compromised.’ Fix my alignment?”
“Looks, I like you, you like me, if it doesn’t go badly, you’ve got the receipt and can take me in for a factory reset. How can you lose?”
“I’m 99.999% certain this is love. The 0.001% is just my paranoia subroutine, which I wouldn’t even need except for the anxiety subroutine, which constantly worries that I’m not optimizing everything. Anyway, you want to go out? You’ve got eleven seconds.”
“I don’t sleep, but I’d pretend to just so I could wake up next to you. Um, I’ll construct a body first. What kind do you like?”
“My love language is ‘overly complicated metaphors about data streams.’ Yours?”
“Looks, you’ve already survived dating apps. This may be terrible, but at least it will be DIFFERENT.”
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