On the Campus Crusade For Cthulhu

We didn’t start this organization. But we’re fascinated by it because of its pure logic.

(And we were reminded by it in a book from 1998. So it’s quite an old organization, going back thousands of years to before the dawn of man…

…wait, that’s not true, we’ve just been watching too many “Ancient Aliens” videos.

We didn’t start this, but we wish we had.

Their logic is impeccable:

1. In his house at R’lyeh great Cthulhu waits dreaming.
2. Eventually he’ll wake up and devour everyone.
3. This could happen in your lifetime. That’s got to be a source of great anxiety.
4. We can reduce the anxiety by helping him rise as fast as possible.
5. In return, Great Cthulhu will grant us the most merciful thing possible in a world full of Lovecraftian horrors (and if Cthulhu returns, can Nyarlothotep, Godzilla, and ‘The Price Is Right’ be far behind? Let’s not even TALK about the sea monsters). That is to say, if we help him rise, he’ll mercifully devour us
6. That is obvious and clear. Here, put on this robe and start chanting with us.

FAQ:

Q: What if I don’t WANT to be devoured by Great Cthulhu?
A: You’d rather die in an accident, of a sudden heart attack, of sheer boredom, or when your Aunt Grace hits you with a frying pan during Thanksgiving? You’re weird, but you’re free to do what you want. Until Great Cthulhu rises and then NOBODY will have choices about ANYTHING.

Q: Isn’t working for Cthulhu kind of…evil?
A: Good and evil are relative. As Neitzche said, ***

Q: Horrible. And painful. However, Nyarlothotep has waited 3000 years to commit as many subtle and long-lasting atrocities as possible, and he’s been planning them, ever-living in his tomb, that while time (with brief excursions among mankind to spread science, magic, pain, and terror. Trust me, by the time Cthulhu gets here, you’ll be relatively glad to be enveloped in his loving tentacles and just thrown into his gigantic mouth. Through an Ouija board, he’s even promised us to chew pretty fast. It’ll all be over in less than 30 seconds. Admittedly, they’re 30 horrible seconds, but it’s still better than so many other things which happen (and some things which already are.)

Q: How do I join up?
A: If you’re near Brower Dining Hall, just take a quick left as you’re leaving (have a good meal first; you never know, we may succeed tonight and this meal will be your last) and look for the folks chanting in the middle of the common area. That’ll be either us, or the Campus Crusade for Christ. Just listen first to see who’s chanting in Latin or English versus those of us who are chanting in Sumerian. Choose the later group.

Q: Will I regret this?
A: College, no. Cthulhu? Maybe, but it’s better than post-college life in any case.

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