9. “And as the prince watched the great cloud, so very like a mushroom, envelop the remains of the kingdom, he realized that there are, in fact, things worse than a broken heart.”
8. “If you look closely in the little snowglobe, you can see them, even now, smiling up at you. Eternally. Frozen. Forever. Winter, Winter, Winter, without pause or surcease. And they can’t look away from you, and you can barely look away from them, each tiny figure a note of unsung agony, their eyes open wider than the welcoming gates of Hell, their tiny, finely detailed faces locked in screams which will never know breath.”
7. “Meddle not in the affairs of storytellers, for we are memorious, and on a first-name basis with Wolves.”
6. “Of course, the only spell for actually living ‘happily ever after’ requires copious amounts of human blood, but you knew that, didn’t you?”
5. To be honest, the Princess realized that her marriage was loveless because they both had a thing for frogs.
4. “Fairytale kingdoms continue to be a great galactic delicacy, but you can’t be greedy, and you need to be patient. It’s essential to give them a few thousand years to grow back. And on that note: Power up the flying saucer, Lefty; it’s harvest time!”
3. “The Kingdom, by which we mean the plot of land encompassed by the most recent political boundaries generally ascribed to that area through international consensus, got on just fine for several million years, until the heat-death of the Sun. The land was fine. The people were not so fortunate.”
2. “Thus, all was as the Prophecy foretold. ALL was EXACTLY as the Prophecy foretold. Precisely. Down to the smallest detail. We made sure of that. Oh, we made sure of that. It was exactly right, and we tore even the tiniest deviations out of the very fabric of existence, as is right and proper.”
1. “And (NAMES REDACTED] lived [MOOD STATUS UNKNOWN] ever after, until [SORRY, THAT INFORMATION IS NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE TO YOU AT THIS TIME. IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS NOTICE IN ERROR, PLEASE WAIT TO BE CONTACTED BY THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITIES. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CONTACTING THEM FIRST. THEY ARE ALREADY ON THEIR WAY.]”
Jeff Mach is a writer and creator who has long aspired to be the sort of person who neither needs to promote his other work at the bottom of his short stories, nor speaks of himself in the third person, but sadly, in both regards, he has failed.