We spend too much time in our troubles, and too little time in our cups.
Every once in a while, we here at Dark Lord Enterprises put some real energy into thinking about what various fantasy monsters would drink. We do want you to know that this is a work of fiction. If you’re ever faced with these monsters, be warned: they drink everything.
PREHISTORIC BOARS: Regular, plain ordinary boars can gore two armored, grown men with a 30-pace charge so fast that they won’t even have time to zip. Prehistoric boars? They’re just Gary Gygax’s idea of overkill, but we listen to Brother Gary around here. So if you’re inviting them to your party, be sure to feed ’em ditch liquor, just like the Verners do in “Hannibal”.
Oh, and hold it in a larger venue. Trust me, whatever venue it is, it isn’t big enough. The Taj Mahal needs more rooms.
MINOTAUR: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, several more jugs of wine, throw out the bread, and pour the wine in the trough.
Minotaur are generally quite refreshing in their binges. The bestial side of their nature got them where they are today: stabbed to death at the center of a Labyrinth. In this era, that’s not a bad way to go, all things considered. So they like the simple things. Meat. Maidens. Megadoses of rice wine. The simple life.
NEMEAN LIONS: Nemean lions just want to get some liquor under their skins, you know what I mean?
DROW ELVES: Drow Elves are just like regular Elves, if regular Elves shunned forests and villages and lived in vast, forbidding Underdark cities locked under the pitiless rule of the horror-Goddess Llolth, Empress of Spiders, and her slightly less-known sidekick Melvin, Who Smells Really Good To Flies.
Drow drink just what everyone else drinks, assuming everyone is drinking Asmodean Absinthe while muttering curses in tongues not spoken aloud since the Other Times.
SENTIENT BOTTLES OF RUM: “Ooooohhhh the HUMANITY!”
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