I write a bunch of dungeon doggerel and other silly fantasy poems. If you’d like me to write a ridiculous little poetic screed for the being(s) of your choice, email your creature/character selections to jeffreypetermach@gmail.com. You can find more Dungeon Doggerel here (sorry, haven’t replaced the AI graphic yet!)
All my silly poetry is dedicated a much greater poet. Thank you as always, Shel.
“Draw a crazy picture,
Write a nutty poem,
Sing a mumble-gumble song,
Whistle through your comb.
Do a loony-goony dance
‘Cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world
That ain’t been there before.”
―
___
An Arborial Ending
I wish I hadn’t met an Ent
Wearing a Helm of Opposite Alignment.
___
A Unicornicopic Confession
I often write of Unicorns
More than Goblins, Dwarves or Norns
I guess their alleged purity
Makes my hate for them a surety–
Either that, or else my hobby
Has been bought by the powerful Griffin lobby.
___
Triffids are valid;
I need them for salad.
___
The Love Life Of The Large & Violent
Ogres suffer no romantic snubs;
They don’t date each other,
They just love their clubs.
___
Living statuary
May, in general shape, vary,
But when things get hairy,
They precede a mortuary.
___
The Hippopotamus, so I’m told
Gave birth to the legend of Sirens.
(They’re secretly very romantic,
Like 125 Lord Byrons.)
___
Trolls regenerate, but fear fires;
I’m pretty tough,
but I hate liars.
___
Gargoyle Poem I: The Kindly Old Wizard Who Hired Me To Build Some Decorations For The Foreboding Tower In Which He Happens To Live Seems Surprisingly Unsurprised At This Outcome
All that toil
To carve a Gargoyle!
One hardly approves
When the damn thing moves.
(The rest of the poem is just screaming noises.)
___
The Wicked Witch has skin of green;
She’s often Kermit for Halloween.
___
An Orc with torque
Can twerk with perks:
Their posteriors
Are highly superior.
___
Gargoyle Poem II: Tomb of Horrors
This Gargoyle is quite mutated
It has four arms, and they’re all serrated
We suspect it’s not elated
When ’tis time to be defenestrated.
___
Pitchforks, check
Torches, too
We’ll get the Monster,
Then come for you.
___
Once he fell in love with a sexy Ent
And on her all his money was spent
Now this sad fact, he still mourns:
He’s paying child support on three acorns.
___
You know you live in a boring Reality
When the Temple of Elemental Evil
Becomes a Temple of Mild Depravity.
___
Ogre angry? Ogre smash!
Ogre burn to burning ash!
Ogre fury has no twin–
When it comes out,
Ogre win.
___
If you read this ancient tome,
Ominous and foreboding,
You’ll soon find out this ancient zone
Is for loading and unloading.
___
Amongst salesmen of every kind,
This one gets the cold shoulder:
The lucky guy who has the franchise
To sell Visine to Beholders.
___
Nature’s Immutable Laws Of things going Wrong
Mind Flayers starve from lack of brain,
Gelatinous cubes begin to drip;
Shadow Beasts die of excessive Lightness,
Unstoppable Doom Clocks cease their ticks,
Change to more touristy intentions.”Come on by, and watch your step –
Nyarlothotep.
